17 September 1999, 865 words
In order to be a true Indian, you cannot be true or, for that matter, Indian. This may seem strange, but no stranger than big men wanting to marry 14-year-old girls. A true Indian is really a Trin-Indian, which is a term used by true Indian Rajnie Ramlakhan (who thinks she got it from the Indian High Commissioner, but who will be mortified when she learns where he got it from). But a true Indian is not a Trinidadian of East Indian descent. A true Indian is a Maha Sabha devotee of East Indian ascent.
Nobody else is a true Indian. Although Pundit Anatand Rambachan, Ravi-ji and Indira Maharaj are all Brahmin Hindus, they are still not true Indians. There are many other barriers that stop the vast majority of Trinindians from being true Indians. Raffique Shah is not a true Indian, so being true Trini disqualifies you. Vernon Ramesar and myself are not true Indians, so being rugged-looking also debars you. The main disqualification, though, is disagreeing with anything the Maha Sabha columnists write.
What, then, are the qualities of a true Indian? First, you must continually promote the idea that India is almost perfect, but all its problems are caused by Muslims; that Hinduism is the root of world civilization; and that Sat Maharaj is a great leader. The most effective way to do this is to stick an ice-pick into your medulla oblongata and wiggle it around, thus severing all connection with reality.
You must promote the Indian language, pointing out little-known facts such as the fact that the suffix "ji", which denotes a spiritual leader, is the root of the Americanism "Gee!", which denotes pleased astonishment of the kind a devotee feels in the presence of his guru. You will generally have to make up such facts. True Indians never speak the truth, or else their heads will explode. This would make no difference to Anil Mahabir, and might even improve his appearance. We can also take comfort in the fact that there won't be many brains to wipe up.
But it is not only what you say, but how you say it which will mark you as a true Indian. Thus, when speaking, you must never open your sinuses, for there is some danger that your mind may be opened as well. Similarly, try not to let your subject agree with your verb, especially when hosting radio talkshows, for a true Indian does not promote agreement in any form whatsoever.
Generally, your mode of speech must not follow the rules of either good English or good Trinidadianese. Tune in to The Hindu Viewpoint for elocution lessons from Devant Parsuram Maharaj and Kamal Persad on 91.1 FM. You will learn to say "een", not "in". In referring to your Hindu religion, you will discover that "Ours are under attack." You will hear how "we invited tree pundits", these being the kind who teach pouis how to reincarnate without being pruned. The main thing, though, is to try not to sound sincere. (If this does not come naturally, fake it.)
But talk is not enough. You must also look the part. Whenever possible, put on a kurta and a sly expression. You can get a kurta at any Indian clothing store. A sly face is a little more difficult to come by. If you do not have one genetically, stick Kamal Persad's newspaper photo beside your mirror and, every morning, put a slice of lemon in your mouth and practise smiling toothily. Continue until your tongue shrivels or the mirror cracks.
You must also follow the tenets of Hinduism, which are so inclusive that you can practice non-violence in the morning, burn your wife in the evening, and still attain the Godhead before nightfall. A true Indian does not fear death, for if he has conducted himself according to the laws of the Gitas, he will reincarnate in a higher form, like Darleen Beddoe's. The true Indian does not fear life, for the Vedas teach that the world is an illusion, so you needn't worry about your cholesterol. A true Indian does not eat beef, and, if offered a medium-rare steak, runs away screaming. (However, if the steak is well-done, he can just look very distressed.)
You must always address Brahmins as Sri, which is a term of respect. You must use this term even if the Brahmin is a man who publishes a weekly newspaper that features scantily-clad young women in erotic poses. Brahmins are of superior intelligence, always choosing the right family to be born into. (Either that, or they changed their names to Maharaj when they came here as indentured labourers, which was also a smart move.) If a Brahmin addresses you kindly, the correct response is to curl up in a fetal position and rock back and forth, whimpering with pleasure.
Follow all these guidelines and you will surely become a true Indian. You'll also be a bigoted, dotish, obnoxious, unattractive human being. But, don't worry - nobody's perfect.
Copyright ©1999 Kevin Baldeosingh