31 January 2002, 809 words
Attorney Anand Ramlogan recently accused the media, and in particular the CCN Group, of being biased against Indians. It is true. The Group does not have one Indian working here, not even a sweeper from Mumbai. But the company does have quite a number of Indo-Trinidadians, several of whom occupy managerial positions.
When the Express pointed this out in an editorial, Ramlogan and those who agree with him changed tack. To quote letter-writer Tara Sookdeo of Chaguanas, "The Express management cannot make the distinction between Indian persons and an Indian voice."
Just looking the Express newsroom, I see the truth of Sookdeo's assertion. Even though my surname is Baldeosingh, my voice - unlike, say, Ramlogan's - is not nasal and loud. Even Assistant Features editor Anu Lakhan, who is small-boned and straight-haired, speaks in dulcet tones and, what is more, would probably choke before using "de" as either a past tense or an article (as in "she de cooking de food").
Africans have been staying silent on this matter, probably because Trinidadian newspapers take so long to reach Lagos. But some Afro-Trinidadians here do want to know why Ramlogan hasn't complained about discrimination in, say, the award of national scholarships or licenses granted to doubles vendors. I think, though, that if we have to start racial head-counting, we should do it in an organised manner.
As a public service, therefore, I have prepared the following questionnaire which all organisations can use to make sure their staff is made up of the requisite numbers of Indians and Africans. This will create a more just and equitable society, or at least one where more people wear kurtas and dashikis.
- 1. Please tick the appropriate box to indicate which description best fits your nose:
- a. could be used to slice bread, and butter it too.
- b. arouses suspicion that you're first cousins to a double-barrelled shotgun.
- 2. Please tick the appropriate box to indicate which definition best describes your buttocks:
- a. so round that your bottom enters a room several seconds after you do [ ]
- b. so flat that if anyone wants to pinch your bottom, they must first remove your shoe [ ]
- 3. Have you ever used the phrase "dem creole only know bout wine and jam" or "nigger people head too hard"?
- [ ]Yes.
- [ ]No, but everybody know that.
- 4. Have you ever used the phrase "All dem coolie stingy" or "You cyar trust Indian people, bwoy"? Tick the appropriate box.
- [ ]Yes.
- [ ]No, but is true oui.
- 5. If your daughter married a person of another race, would you:
- a. say she's a horn child? [ ]
- b. send her to Sat Maharaj OR Khafra Kambon to find her identity? [ ]
- c. buy her a lifetime supply of birth control pills? [ ]
- (Tick the appropriate boxes.)
- 6. Do you pursue any of the following hobbies?
- a. making choka out of every fruit you meet [ ]
- b. buying shiny items [ ]
- c. killing lice [ ]
- 7. Do you spend your spare time doing any of the following?
- a. sitting on a corner under a street light for hours [ ]
- b. playing music with plenty lyrics and no melody [ ]
- c. walking around as though you have a sprain in one ankle and a spring in the next. [ ]
- 8. When you dance, do you:
- a. move your waist? [ ]
- b. move your neck? [ ]
- c. move your neck which moves your waist? [ ]
- 9. When you dance, do you:
- a. move your waist? [ ]
- b. move your waist? [ ]
- c. move your waist? [ ]
- 10. Do you believe that your ancestors:
- i. understood quantum physics but felt it wasn't a suitable topic to discuss in mixed company?
- ii. were able to fly but didn't because they disliked airline food?
- iii. were in direct contact with the gods, but lost their phone numbers after the white man came?
- 11. Do you believe your ancestors:
- i. burnt widows, but the widows were happy to roast for their dead husbands?
- ii. knew many mathematical theorems, but wrote them all down metaphorically in the religious texts in order to foil those pesky theorem bandits?
- iii. were able to heal all illnesses, but felt disease and malnutrition improved a person's chances of reincarnating in a higher caste?
- 12. Which child-rearing method do you favour?
- a. beating.
- b. marrying them off young.
- c. putting them to work as soon as they could walk.
- d. more beating.
- 13. Do you agree that the following are all synonyms?
- a. good hair = straight hair
- b. good wife = good cook
- c. good skin = light skin
- (Tick Yes [ ] or Yes [ ].)
- 14. Which of the following is a justifiable homicide?
- a. Chopping your wife if she horns you, or if you think she has horned you.
- b. Killing someone to get their brand name sneakers
- 15. What is the meaning of the term "Trinidadian"? (Tick the appropriate boxes.)
- a. Don't know. [ ]
- b. Don't give a shit. [ ]
Copyright ©2002 Kevin Baldeosingh