November 5 1999, 917 words
Corporal punishment should only be administered with love. That is why it is best to wear loose underwear so, if you happen to get an erection while beating the child, you will not chafe. In fact, if your profession lets you wear gowns, it is best to eschew underwear altogether.
Corporal punishment should start as early as possible. In olden days, doctors used to spank newborn babies in order to make them draw their first breath. Now the leave it up to the shock of the air-conditioning or use tubes to clear the mucus from the baby's airways. It is this namby-pamby treatment which explains why children nowadays are so badly-behaved. Therefore, the first thing all right-thinking citizens must do is campaign for the restoration of baby-spanking. In fact, not only should newborn infants be spanked, but they must continue to be spanked even after they have started crying, just so they know it wasn't a mistake.
Once the doctor has established the child on this sound footing, parents must continue to raise the infant in a disciplined manner. The modern practice is to change diapers when the child has soiled itself. Indeed, disposable diapers may well be the real cause of today's youthful bandits. Before, changing a diaper was an onerous task, requiring safety-pins and, later, washing. Now, it is just a matter of unfastening the Velcro, wiping with wipes, and putting on a new diaper from a package. The child therefore fails to appreciate how much trouble it is putting the parents to. A few well-aimed slaps while changing the diapers should correct this complacency.
Corporal punishment is even more beneficial to the child when it comes to sleeping in a disciplined manner. Psychiatrists everywhere say that enough sleep is absolutely essential to a child's well-being. When, therefore, a child wakes up crying at two a.m., the responsible parent does not merely pick it up and say "Cush cush" and put it back to sleep. A few spanks must be administered so the child knows it is wrong to wake up at such an ungodly hour. That is why the hour is called ungodly. Bear in mind, too, that spanking the child will give it something to cry for. When the child becomes older, the popular threat "You want something to cry for?" may save you the trouble of going outside to cut a guava whip, a task which can result in you missing part of your favourite TV programme.
This brings us to the implements needed to beat a child properly. What you use must be carefully chosen, and depends on the age, size and sex of the child. Generally, infants should only be beaten with the palm of the hand. The beater must hold his fingers straight out but with a slight backward curve, and with the thumb pressed against the index finger. This provides a flat, firm surface with which to spank. Hit the infant only on the buttocks and only enough to sting. You should be able to judge how much pain you are inflicting by how loudly the infant bawls (bear in mind, though, that children tend to exaggerate).
Toddlers can be beaten with hand or ruler. The ruler should be the old-fashioned wooden kind, since plastic or glass ones can break during beating, thus reducing your authority in the child's eyes. For older children, you should use canes. These should be between one to three inches in circumference, according to the size and age of the child. (It is, however, useful to use a thinner whip expressly for the purpose of breaking it on the child's body. This tells the child that you are serious and a person to be respected.) You can beat boys all over their bodies, but girls are more sensitive and should be beaten on the buttom or hands alone.
Partly for this reason, it is recommended that you beat your girl children with leather straps rather than whips. But, as an added benefit, this practice will also help ensure that she respects her husband in later life. Once the husband uses a belt to hold up his trousers, domestic bliss and marital stability are virtually assured. Indeed, the high divorce rate in modern society may well be caused by the popularity of denim jeans.
A responsible parent should try to place his child in a school which will reinforce, rather than weaken, the sound upbringing you have given him at home. Tell the teacher that you want him to give your child licks and that, any time he does so, the child will get even more licks at home. This lets the teacher know that you support his profession and understand the frustration he experiences. Your child is thus assured of the teacher's special attention.
As was pointed out at the beginning, all these guidelines must be followed with love. There are, it is true, parents who beat their children hardly or not at all. These are the kind of parents who prefer to reason, boof or remove a child's privileges. Obviously, they hate their children. It is this kind of attitude which has created the kind of children we see today, a type which even Plato noted 2,500 years ago, whom he said were rude to their elders and didn't chew their food. Clearly, unless we start beating children again, it's only a matter of time before civilization completely collapses.
Copyright ©1999 Kevin Baldeosingh