04 February 1999, 1172 words
Today I want to talk about something which nearly everybody familiar with:infidelity, or what Shakespeare in Othello describes as "getting a horn." You didn't know we does talk Shakespeare in Trinidad,ent?
As I say, nearly everybody familiar with horn.It just have some people who don't know they familiar with it.
Now, personally, I cannot understand how a man could have a outside woman.I'm not talking about the lil flings man does have now and then.When I talk about "a outside woman", I mean a man having a steady, regular relationship with a woman who is not his girlfriend, the woman he living with or, if he has been conditioned by outdated social values, his wife.
The lil flings, on the other hand, is something every man has. Yes, ladies, every man. You know we have a saying - "two man-rat cyar live in one hole"? Well, the truth is, one man-rat cyar live in one hole, either, if you catch my drift. Thispart of men's genetic programming.If, ladies, your man has one or all of the three Ms of maleness - money, muscles or mind, in that order (your terms, ladies) - if he has any of these and you have been with him, let us say, for over three years...you have been horned. In fact, if your man has any of the three Ms in extravagant quantities, and you have been with him for over three months...you get horn.
Now don't turn to your man and say "That true?" Think, woman!Obviously, he isn't going to say, "Yes dear, that is very true." He is going to say, "Of course not darling, I have always been faithful to you." In fact, if he have even a little sense, he will say, "Well I have occasionally been attracted to other women, but I would never do that to you, Myrtle", if your name is Myrtle.
But I bet you women will still ask.And I know what you all thinking. You're thinking that if you ask, and he lies, you will be able to tell.Women always feel they could tell when a man is lyingabout horning them.
But, ladies, that assumption is based on a false premise. You see, you figure you could tell when we're lying because we will be feeling guilty and, with your genetically superior power of reading body language, you'll be able to tell.And that might indeed be so - if we felt guilty.THat's your false premise, see. I mean, think of what men typically tell their women when the woman finds out for sure for sure that the man had a lil fling outside.What do men always say?..."She didn't mean a thing."
That is what we say - and that is the only time we tell the truth. These flings really don't mean anything to us. It is all genetic.Itdoesn't affect how much we love you, it doesn't affect our relationship with you at all...unless you find out.And even when we telling the truth, we still lying.Because we say, "She didn't mean a thing, dear, and I sorry." No! We are not sorry. Well, we are, but not about horning you.What we sorry about is that you find out. And the only reason we sorry about that is that it will make it harder on us the next time we want to pull a horn, because you on the alert now.
With all that, though, the truth is that we aren't really interested in otherwomen. Really!No, listen, if I serious with a woman, I don't even look at other women withlust inmy heart. If I was in a serious relationship, Halle Berry could walk in here wearing a micro-mini with a plunging neck-line, and I would only look at her in a aesthetic kinda way.You know, "Nice dress, nice figure."
But Horatio wouldhave other ideas. It is not a generally known medical fact,butmen have an optic nerve running from penis to brain - and, brother, that eye has X-ray vision.So when a attractive woman comes into view, Horatio looks through jockey shorts, jeans, skirt, slip, panty - and then stands up to get a better view.
I mean, consider the physiology of an erection. In order to achieve an erection, the penile tissues must become engorged with blood.Now the question is- where is that blood coming from?
And the answer is obvious: it comes from our brains. That is why, once Horatio is up, we men just can't think clearly.Unlike many men, I am glad my penis isn't bigger, because, if it was, it would use too much blood.When I get a erection, my only coherent thought is, "Put on a condom." No man with a stand has thoughts like, "I shouldn't do this, Janice would be so hurt."
Remember that movie, "Disclosure"?That scene with Demi Moore and Michael Douglas in the office must be one of the stupidest scenes I ever see in a movie. Michael Douglas has Demi Moore on the desk, she blouse off, skirt up, hormones going wild, and he sees his face reflecting in the window - and he stops?!!
Oh, give me a break.The only thing a man might stop to do in a situation like that was change position so he could get a better view.
When Horatio is at attention, he leaves our brains just enough blood for basic activity.We saying, "The situation in the Middle East seems to be deteriorating." Horatio saying, "I wonder how long it'll take to get her blouse off." So you see, ladies, it isn't not really our fault.It's a matter of self-preservation.If we don't obey Horatio, we will get brain-damage.
But, as I was saying at the start, I don't understand how a mancould have a outside woman. I mean, having one relationship does take so much effort. To have two is real pressure - mentally, emotionally, physically, financially.
Take mentally.With one woman alone, you have to remember birthday, anniversary, what the weather was like when you met, what song was playing the first time you danced, what her favourite colour is, what perfume she likes and so on. To remember all that for two woman, you would need to be one of those fellers who memorises telephone directories.
And don't talk about the financialaspect. Two sets of Valentine gifts, two sets of birthday prsents, two anniversary presents (because even outside woman would want that.)
And then there's the emotional pressure. I mean, our fathers and grandfathers were lucky.They used to come home, take off their shoes, take off their shirt, sit down and say, "Woman, the food ready?" And that was called marriage.Nowadays, though, men have to show sensitivity, care, consideration, and give attention. And we are not genetically programmed for that.In fact, the only reason we do it is toget good sex.
But it is the physical part that is real pressure.I mean, I am reasonably good in bedbut I can't be with one woman at six and a next one at nine and perform equally well inboth cases. Somebody is going to loseout. And nowadays, women are liberated and they expect good sex.None of this wham, thank you ma'am stupidness.
So, unless the man have real energy - and most men only pretend to have energy - I don't understand how any man could have two women.
Anyway, let me stop now.I know 90 per cent of themen who read this vex with me for telling all our secrets. And the other ten percent - well, their woman already know they are slime, butlove them, anyway.
Me, I am slime too, butI only want one regular woman, and I want to want she regularand well.
Copyright ©1999 Kevin Baldeosingh