21 May 1999, 869 words
Introduction - Management is very popular in Trinidad and Tobago. This is mainly because managers go to business lunches, although you do have to use a knife and fork when eating fried rice. A successful manager never leaves rice grains on his plate. Finishing lunch is important, especially at the outset of a career when the fledgling manager needs to gain some weight to throw around. Throwing your weight around is an important part of effective managerial practice, requiring good footwork and a girdle. Following are some more tips on being a successful manager.
What is a manager? - A manager is someone who manages things, also called people. Steady hands are needed, or else the people you manage may slip and fall. This could result in an ugly stain on the office carpet. A steady gaze is also useful, in case you are attacked by a quenk and have to stop it with the power of the human eye. Although quenks do not usually frequent offices, a manager should still tell his secretary to refuse to give them an appointment. URP managers stand the greatest chance of encountering these wild pigs, especially if the Local Government Minister is carrying out an inspection.
What does a manager do? - Managers generally work 12 to14 hours day. However, at least ten of these hours are spent in meetings. This is why the country's affairs are so badly run, since actual work only takes place just before the managers leave the office.
Attending meetings requires specialised skills. As a manager, you will sometimes be required to speak at these meetings. Use a well-modulated voice. If you don't have one, rent Richard Ragoobarsingh's. If making a presentation at a conference, notes are useful but do not go above a C Sharp. You can accompany yourself, but it is better to call an escort service.
Most of the time, you will only have to listen. But this is actually the more difficult task. The competent manager does not shake his foot, which is why so many successful managers were brought up by their grandmothers, who used to slap them behind the head and say, "You go get epilepsy, you know!" The competent manager must also know how to prevent a glazed look creeping over his face, even when the boss is repeating the same point for the fifth time. Good managers never fall asleep during meetings, but really good managers can sleep with their eyes open. And really, really good managers can not only sleep with their eyes open, but will automatically respond, "Yes, I think that's an excellent idea" if asked their opinion while dozing.
Management expertise - To get a job as a manager, you must know management theory. However, it is more important to know managers personally. You should also know how to drink scotch, talk amusingly about Ricardian economics, and wear a vest without scratching. If you wish to become a senior manager, you must know how to tie your ties in four different ways. These are the real reasons women rarely become senior managers. However, modern management practices often change rapidly. Thus, in order to be a top-class manager at this present time in Trinidad and Tobago, the most important thing to know is Finance Minister Brian Kuei Tung, which is easier for women to do.
Managerial attitude - A successful manager is always obnoxious, even eschewing deodorant if they have to. Dislike of the manager unites employees, creating a strong bond. Evostick has the same result, but makes it difficult to use the photocopier.
Managerial personality - Schizophrenia is the main trait of a successful manager. One personality, like one eye, is a disadvantage. Instead, the top-ranking manager should be abrasive and supercilious in their treatment of underlings, but obsequious and more obsequious in their interaction with owners and Government Ministers. This last qualification, plus a talent for prevarication, is especially important if you want to become chairman at the NBN. Obsequity also keeps the bosses' shoes shiny and significantly pads the manager's salary by ensuring he always spots loose change that has fallen out of people's pockets.
Management ethics: This is the easiest part of management: have none. Especially if you work at NIPDEC. A lack of ethics allows you to be a wildly successful manager: you can overlook laws about building malls, tendering for contracts or getting bribes from Government. Generally speaking, companies in Trinidad and Tobago want their managers to behave in the way that many husbands secretly want their wives to behave: like sluts, but only for them. The difference is that managers are not required to wear leather underwear and say "Oh baby, you're so good", save in exceptional circumstances.
Conclusion - These methods will allow you to rise to the top in nearly every company, and certainly every political party, in Trinidad and Tobago. Persons who are knowledgeable, ethical and fair may be effective managers, but not successful ones. However, such persons rarely become managers at all and, when they do, are soon fired for refusing to drink coffee without milk and sugar.
Copyright ©1999 Kevin Baldeosingh