02 December 1999, 922 words
Mysteries are those phenomena which defy explanation, even when asked nicely. In this week's column I shall provide solutions for some of these puzzles, along with a tasty guacamole dip. Finding these answers has been no easy task, requiring a full ten minutes of research and deep contemplation while I washed the dog.
MATERIALISATION - This is the ability to produce objects out of thin air. Producing objects out of thick air doesn't count. The Indian mystic, Sai Baba, is without a doubt the best-known materialiser in the world. He performs his miracles only for specially chosen devotees, who are chosen by the size of their bank accounts and willingness not to stand too close to Baba.
In his most famous miracle, he materialised a gold necklace at a wedding. When the videotape was later replayed in slow motion, the recording showed one of Baba's assistants surreptitiously passing him the necklace which Baba palmed before materialising it. Devotees argue that Baba's true miracle was not materialising the necklace, but using the power of his mind to alter the videotape. This miracle made devotees absolutely certain that Baba was indeed God.
In an even more famous miracle, Baba materialised a prototype of a Seiko watch for an executive of the company. The executive was astonished, saying that the only model of the watch was locked in a safe in Japan. Checks later revealed that the Seiko company had no knowledge of the man who claimed to be an executive. Devotees later explained that Baba's true miracle was not materialising the watch, but the man. This man later vanished, proving the genuineness of Baba's miracle. This miracle made devotees even more absolutely certain that Baba was indeed God.
ASTRAL TRAVEL - This is not what Jennifer Lopez does when she walks down the street. Astral travel is when the soul leaves the body and goes places that the body might have trouble fitting into. Astral travel is also very useful when you don't have bus fare. Mystics tell us that the soul is everywhere and everywhen simultaneously, which is a big advantage when you're late for a party. The drawback is that, when you do arrive, nobody knows you're there. On the other hand, I have been to parties in the flesh and had exactly the same experience.
How does one learn to astral travel? It is very easy. Lie down and imagine you are a balloon. A red one. Sing "Would You Like to Fly?" If this does not work, try weed.
LEVITATION - This refers to the ability to lift objects without touching them. Many strip-tease dancers have this psychic ability, though they can only raise one kind of object. (And when the object is over 60, they often can't even do that.) You may want to test whether you have this extraordinary ability. Choose a small object, like a matchstick or a pitbull owner's penis. Concentrate on it, contorting your face horribly. If the object is not repulsed, small children will certainly run away crying. Eat lots of garlic to extend your powers to adults.
There are different types of levitation. The Natural Law Party devotees levitate by bouncing around cross-legged on a sponge while giggling madly. They then threaten not to tell people what the joke is unless they vote for them. The NLP says that "yogic flying" increases harmony in society (or decreases disharmony - they apparently are not too sure which). It is worth noting, however, that Pamela Anderson merely levitated her breasts and brought far more happiness to millions of men.
TELEPATHY - This is the ability to read minds. Women do not have this ability, or else men would get slapped a lot more often. Men do not have this ability, or else they wouldn't believe they are that good in bed.
If you wish to read minds, you must practise regularly with a partner and get yourself a good dictionary. Your partner can be anyone with a mind. Politicians, pitbull owners and religious fundamentalists are therefore unsuitable. Sit in a quiet room. If the room is not quiet, ask it to leave itself. Hold an image in your mind, while your partner tries to guess what you are thinking about. If your partner is your spouse, be careful not imagine the person you are having an affair with.
CLAIRVOYANCE - This is the ability to predict the future, or what your wife is vexed with you for. The most famous clairvoyant was Nostradamus, who made many amazing predictions. Not only are they amazingly accurate, they are amazingly obscure. This was necessary since, if people figured them out, they might have stopped the events happening and Nostradamus would have looked silly. Nostradamus was very afraid of looking silly, a fear no doubt acquired as soon as he was old enough to realize his parents had named him Nostradamus.
Here are two examples of his amazingly accurate prophecies: "The great Camel will come to drink of the Danube and will not repent of it. Near the Alps the cock will ruin him." (Quarto V.LXVIII). A clear reference to smoking cigarettes and how it may cause impotence.
And "The prince who has little pity will come through death to become very knowledgeable. The kingdom will be attended with great tranquillity, when the great one will soon be passed." (Quarto VII.XVII) This undoubtedly refers to the recent mishap suffered by Dhanraj Singh. The second part is less clear, but seems to predict the invention of both toilets and Ex-Lax.
Copyright ©1999 Kevin Baldeosingh