Things I Have Noticed

20 January 1999, 752 words

1. Women always complain that men are congenital liars. They will complain about this while wearing eye shadow, lipstick, high heels, stockings and push-up bras.
   
   
2. I was amazed to see this sentence on the website of the Ministry of Information of the Government of Trinidad and Tobago: "The President is elected by an electoral college <I>compromising<I> all members of the Senate and the House of Representatives." [my italics] I was amazed because I never expected such truthfulness from the Information Division.
   
   
3. People always say "He/she is just sitting on his/her butt." Well, of course they are. Sitting on any other part of your anatomy isn't possible.
   
   
4. In ascending order, these are the statements men most dread hearing from their women: (a) "Can I ask you something?" (b) "I want to talk to you." (c) "I have something to tell you."
   
   
5. People who expect people of another race to be racist will always have their expectations met.
   
   
6. The second worst thing a woman can tell a man is "You done?" The first worst thing a woman can tell a man is "Is it in?"
   
   
7. The second worst thing a man can tell a woman is "Is it in?" The first worst thing a man can tell a woman is "You done?"
   
   
8. Denmark is the least corrupt country in the world, according to Transparency International. Denmark has also legalised same-sex marriages. This suggests that ethics and morals are not the same.
   
   
9. The cinerary at St. James has a "No Smoking" sign.
   
   
10. Women always tell you that they're going to the ladies' room. But they never tell you when you've upset them. Since normal practice is to announce what is important and keep silent about what is not, this suggests that women have peculiar priorities.
    
    
11. Studies show that homosexuals in any normal population are never more than four percent of that population. Anyone who believes the remaining 96 percent of us can be persuaded to give up heterosexual sex by gays must have good reasons for believing that people can be so easily persuaded.
    
    
12. When someone has been injured, you will always hear the news presenters say "So-and-So is now warded at the Port of Spain (or San Fernando ) General Hospital in a serious condition." This seems redundant. Obviously, in order to be warded at a public hospital, the person must be in a serious condition and, even if they aren't, they soon will be.
    
    
13. If you want to convince most people in this country that your opinions are correct, you cannot rely on evidence and logic. You have to rely on being from the same ethnic group as the persons you're talking to.
    
    
14. How come, with the drop in oil prices, the massive flooding, the mud volcano eruption, the freak storms, the continual rapes and murders - how come nobody has asked for the dove that replaced the serpent to be taken off the Red House?
    
    
15. Why is it that everyone who says they can run this country have their children living somewhere else?
    
    
16. Technical skills pay more than artistic ones. This proves that human beings are essentially practical.
    
    
17. Sporting skills pay more than technical ones. This proves that human beings are essentially impractical.
    
    
18. When a woman is attracted to a man, she either flirts with him, pretends to be completely indifferent, or gets really irritated by him. Women expect men to know the difference between meaningless flirting, meaningful flirting, true indifference, pretend indifference, irritability which arises from affection and irritability which arises from genuine dislike. It may well be, therefore, that most marriages are the result of a good guess.
    
    
19. People always say "Let me start at the beginning." Where else could you start from?
    
    
20. Scientists tell us that humans and dolphins are the only animals that have sex for pleasure. Does this mean that scientists have been asking dolphins personal questions?
    
    
21. If religious fundamentalists had their way, there would only be one species on the planet having sex for pleasure.
    
    
22. The slogan for Craven A cigarettes is "Change for good". Meaning what? That those cigarettes will give you a better kind of lung cancer?
    
    
23. Du Maurier now has "light" cigarettes? These presumably help you have milder heart attacks.
    
    
24. If you're head over heels in love, then you're in the same state you are when you're just standing around.

Copyright ©1999 Kevin Baldeosingh