April 7 2000, 869 words
Dear Aunty Kevin,
I have a problem and I desperately need your help. Two days ago, I walked in unexpectedly on my fiancé and found him dressed in a red silk teddy, stockings and high-heeled pumps. He was standing in front of his full-length mirror, watching himself and smoking a cigarette. Aunty Kevin, we have been together for eight years, and I never knew he smoked. What should I do?
Confused and Desperate
Dear C&D,
It seems to me that you have bigger problems than your fiancé smoking! Surely he must be aware that high-heeled shoes are bad for the spine? I strongly advise you to buy him several pairs of shoes for your wedding, each with lower heels, so he can gradually become accustomed to wearing flats.
Dear Aunty Kevin,
I have this problem and I hope you can help. I am madly in love with this guy, Larry. We work together and he always chit-chats with me. He has never asked me out. He is very rich. The more I see him, the more I love him. He has a really nice car, and he has several times dropped me to City Gate. But he has never made any advances to me. How can I make him love me?
Lovelorn
Dear Lovelorn,
Since Larry chats to you regularly but has never asked you out, he clearly likes you for your personality. You are probably ugly. I suggest you get plastic surgery. If plastic surgery is beyond your income, try wearing leather clothes. Leather hugs the body, sending the message "I'm hot!", while preventing sagging.
Dear Aunty Kevin,
I am having a dinner party in two weeks' time for some very important clients of my husband. I had ordered some special cloth napkins, but the maker got the design wrong and put flowers instead of leaves. My plates, however, have a leaf design. Should I buy a new set? I don't want to be embarrassed in front of these important guests.
Hostess
Dear Hostess,
Who gives a %$$#!?
Dear Aunty Kevin,
I need your advice. There is this girl I'm in love with, but who does not return my affection. I get along well with her parents, but she hardly speaks to me when I visit their home. I have let her (and them) know I am serious and want to marry her and will buy her anything she wants. However, she seems unimpressed with my sincerity or even my income. I know that there is someone else, but this person is not even employed! She is 12 and I am 53. Do you think this may be part of the problem?
Committed
Dear Committed,
In order to marry a 12-year-old, there are certain drastic steps you must take. First, you must convert to Islam. (If you are willing to wait two years, until she is 14, you can convert to Hinduism or Thusianism instead.) Then you must pay her parents a large dowry. (I know you say they like you, but a large dowry will guarantee their love.) Finally - and this will be your most difficult task - you must buy and listen to every Backstreet Boys CD ever recorded.
Dear Aunty Kevin,
I need your help. There is this woman to whom I am really attracted. She is gorgeous and funny and nice. But she does not have a good job. In fact, she is a nurse. I am not prejudiced, and I would certainly go out with her if I were not incredibly fit. (I'm a body-builder - you may have seen me in cigarette commercials.) But I do not think she can treat me in the style I've become accustomed to. At present, I am going out with this rich, older woman whom I train at the gym. But I would like to end that relationship, since I think her husband is beginning to suspect something and her gluteus maximus is showing definite signs of sagging.
Adonis
Dear Adonis,
You need not worry. Prime Minister Basdeo Panday and Finance Minister Brian Kuei Tung have both said they support the nurses. It is an election year. So they will soon have a salary increase and your path to romance will be clear. Just remember to vote UNC.
Dear Aunty Kevin,
I have a problem. I recently met this man, and he and I really hit it off. He is kind, intelligent, and witty. He has a steady job. And he is an incredible lover. For many months now, he has been asking me to get married, but I have been putting him off and he doesn't understand why. The truth is, Aunty Kevin, he doesn't speak well. I have heard him end sentences in a preposition and, even worse, mispronounce words like "millennium" (he says "millinium") "totalitarian" (he says "TOtalitarian"), even "women" (he says "wuh-men" instead of "wimmen".) What should I do?
Speechful
Dear Speechful,
It is clear that you are attracted to this man only for his superficial charms. You either need to break off with him at once, or force him to read Undine Giuseppi's columns. But it would be kinder to end the relationship.
Copyright ©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh