Kevin Baldeosingh - Secrets of the Universe

A Trini Road Manual

June 9 2000, 784 words

Introduction: This manual is not intended to replace the regulations booklet which you need to study to pass your driver's test. That booklet is a guide as to how people drive in civilized countries, not Trinidad. Indeed, Bukchoy Runnie, one of our leading pseudo-intellectuals, has said that the regulations booklet is really a form of colonial brain-washing, and I never argue with a man who refers to himself in the plural when he isn't pregnant.

This manual is therefore offered as an indigenous product, one which deals with the practice, and not just the theory, of driving like a Trini. (If it also helps prevent brain-washing, and you are a young and sexy woman, please contact me for more in-depth information. I am always willing to give information to a young, sexy woman with a dirty mind.)

Choosing Your Vehicle: You can, if you wish, choose a car according to its efficient fuel consumption, electronic ignition, and sturdy suspension. A true Trini, however, bases his choice primarily on a vehicle's window tint. This must encompass all windows, plus the front and rear windscreens. The tint must be so dark that even Superman would have trouble seeing through it. Metallic paint is preferable; if paint is not metallic, it must be cobalt blue, hot pink or flourescent green. It must have a music system loud enough for a small fete and a large aluminized tail-pipe. Mag wheels and spoilers are essential if you are young and male; if you are old and male, but still immature, they are allowed.

Accessories: Once you have fixed up your car, you will need certain items to go with it. (i) an ornament hanging from the rear-view mirror, which must consist either of rosary beads, dice, a CD, or all three; (ii) a key chain, which must either be a bottle-opener, a flexible cord with clip, a pen-knife, or all three; (iii) hiking boots, which you must never hike with in case they get worn.

Knowing Your Vehicle: Having bought your car, you will find in it many devices. On the right side of the steering wheel, you will find your indicator lights lever. You can ignore this completely. This lever often also controls your headlights. Use this only when it gets so dark you can see only about three feet in front of your bonnet.

At your feet, you will find a pedal on the right. This is your accelerator. It must be pushed right down to the floor and kept there. On the left, you will find a similar pedal. This is your brake, which must be used only when your vehicle is one foot away from obstacle.

In front of you you will find a steering wheel. Never put both hands on this at the same time. If you must, just rest three fingers of each hand at the bottom.

At the top you will find a rear-view mirror. Use this for combing hair and putting on make-up. Also for hanging ornaments. (See above.)

Road Rules:

If you use your indicator, turn first and then put it on. If you are a taxi-driver, however, it is illegal to use and indicator at all.
There is only one hand signal. Extend hand with fingers out and jerk suddenly downward. This indicates a right turn, a left turn, and slowing down. If you are a taxi-driver, however, it is illegal to use any hand signal at all.
Never dip your headlights, unless the other car's headlights are brighter than yours. If you are a taxi-driver, however, it is illegal to have headlights of less than 100 watts.
Never pull off the road when stopping, even if there is space to do so. If you are a taxi-driver, always stop in the middle of the road.
A yellow traffic light means "drive very fast". A red light means "stop", but only if you're more than a hundred feet away when it turns red. If you are a taxi-driver, a red light means "Go through hard".

Proper Driving Behaviour: You must cuss (i) when you get a bad drive; (ii) when you bad drive somebody else; (iii) when the car in front you is driving slower than you; (iv) when another driver speeds through a puddle and splashes your car; (v) when it's hot; (vi) when it rains; and (vii) when you just feel like cussing. N.B. Remember that, whatever cuss you use, the vowel sound is not "uh", as in "gut", but "o", as in "got".