08 September 2000, 962 words
The following are extracts from a book I am writing, titled "Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Ancient Civilizations But Were Too Afraid To Ask". It contains startling and original solutions for some of the greatest mysteries of the ancient world, though I have been able to find no explanation for Mervyn Assam's accent.
The Dogon are an African tribe which worships a white dwarf star orbiting Sirius. Sirius is the brightest star in the sky, but the Dogon claim its neighbour is also highly intelligent just not as showy. They spend most of their lives preparing to worship this invisible star once every 50 years. This leaves very little time for discovering the laws of thermodynamics or gravity or doing tricks with string, which explains why the Dogon are still primitive.
But how is this knowledge even possible? One popular theory holds that the Dogon are the primitive descendants of an advanced civilization whose only technological accomplishment was the invention of telescopes. Why didn't they make anything else? Some anthopologists feel it may have been narrow-mindedness, while others hold it was just sheer laziness.
Another favoured theory is that the Dogon were visited many millennia ago by a race of aliens, who told them about the dwarf star but were very stingy with any information that might be actually useful. It appears that these aliens, being a very insecure race, wanted the Dogon to worship them.
It is likely that the aliens even made the Dogon change their name to "Dogon". Previously, the tribe had called themselves by the barbaric appellation "British Petroleum". The change of name shows how advanced the aliens were, since they knew that "Sirius" would come to represent "dog" and that "dog" spelt backward is "god".
Irrefutable proof, any sensible person will agree, of the existence of intelligent life in the universe.
In different societies spread all around the world, we find that the same artifacts (or artefacts) have the same name. In ancient Egypt, for example, one finds the word "grommet", (or "grummet") which is the insulating washer you place at the hole through which the electrical conductor runs, or a piece (or "peace") of twisted rope used as a rowlock (or "rowlock"). The ancient Mayans, also a pyramid-building civilization, call this a "netor", an obvious corruption in which the second syllable becomes the first, "m" becomes "n", and the letters "r-o" are switched around.
Note, too, that the Mayan pyramids are flat-topped, which implies that the spacecraft they were obviously built for were of a different kind than those which landed in Egypt. What we don't know is which model got better light-years to the gallon.
In South America, there are vast land drawings which are only visible from the air. Their existence gives rise to several boring questions. Why did these Amerindians expend so much time and effort making drawings they couldn't even see? Were they dotish? Or did they just have too much time on their hands?
The recent translation of several clay pots by renowned anthropologist and steel riveter, Professor Mitigating Paracelsus, has at last provided an explanation for this unique phenomena. The translation is a little unclear due to several missing shards, but reads as follows:
"I, Altohutec, chief priest of the Xylophones, having spent the day chewing the holy leaf of the coca, did then stand on my head and sing 'Don't be cruel', upon which a powerful god appeared to me. He rode in a bone-white chariot with silver wings and shining moons with rubber all around. He wore a white skin with many stars and his terrible eyes were as black as glittering pools and he had well-combed sideburns.
And the god said, 'Say, buddy, could you tell me how far to the next burger-joint?' and his voice was a thing of wonder, mellow yet filled with sensuality. And I pointed him to the nearest buffalo and he said, 'Y'all should really have some road signs in this town' and he rode away in his fearful chariot with a roar like that of a giant panther.
I then returned to the temple and commanded the other priests to create great icons that the gods would know they could drop in any time for a drink and bite to eat. Thank you, thank you very much."
The most convincing evidence of ancient advanced civilizations comes from the Bible itself. In Ezekiel, we read, "And I looked, and, behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud...Thereof came the likeness of four living creatures. And this was their appearance; they had the likeness of a man. And every one had four faces, and every one had four wings. And their feet were straight feet...And they sparkled like the colour of burnished brass."
Clear proof that the Power Rangers have been around forever.
In Easter Island, there are giant stone heads. No one knows what purpose they signify, nor how the primitive islanders were able to build such massive statues. But a little common sense provides the answer. The heads aren't really stone. They are really real.
These people were probably the giants mentioned in the Bible. No doubt they became so advanced that their heads got too big for their bodies. Moreover, so powerful was their intellect that, when they died, their bodies rotted away to dust while their skulls turned into something resembling stone.
This is of itself convincing evidence that these people's descendants survived to become West Indian politicians, pastors and poets.
Copyright ©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh