Kevin Baldeosingh - More Things I Have Noticed

More Things I Have Noticed

20 October 2000, 925 words

There are these microwave testers which are supposed to tell you if your oven is defective. If the tester beeps, your oven is leaking radiation. If it stays silent, then the oven is okay - or the tester is broken.
Political correctness has reached the URP. Driving recently on the Grancouva main road, I passed a sign saying, "URP men - and women - at work." Correctness, however, is not the same as accuracy. Two or three men were working. The rest were just standing.
A Johnny Walker ad features Harvey Kietel talking about how frightening it is to walk out on stage. "Theatre can be brutal," he says. "You have to conquer your fear." In other words, the secret to being a really good actor is to get really drunk.
Speaking of performing, can anyone tell me why is it that every female who sings soca claims to be shy and quiet and reserved? Are they saying that when they're on stage being all wild and wassy, they're faking it?
Ever wonder why engagement rings are more valuable than wedding rings? It can't be because the promise is more valuable than the commitment. The only reason I can think of is that a diamond ring would make a man more reluctant to break off an engagement than would a plain gold band. But do women really want a man who gets married because he doesn't want to lose his downpayment?
What's the deal with the purple light under cars? Is it so the drivers can see what they're parking over?
Why do we describe dead people as "deceased"? Shouldn't they be just "ceased"?
And, as we're on the topic of words, I notice that even supposedly literary people are getting some standard phrases wrong. They write about "towing the line" (it's "toeing", as in obeying the rules), "hoards of people" (it's "hordes" - nobody saves up human beings), "wrecking havoc" (it's "wreaking", although havoc does cause wreckage), and a "whooping amount" (it's "whopping" - amounts do not cheer).
But maybe this isn't surprising. After all, some TV commercials aimed at children are deliberately trying to dumb them down. A McDonald's ad last August began, "What are you going to do this summer? You could study. Or you could enter McDonald's...!!!" And a Sunshine Cereals commercial has a boy saying he hasn't studied for his test, done his homework or cleaned up his room, so "Why ruin a perfect record?" Maybe these companies don't think smart people would buy their products.
This may be related to the press ads which ran some months ago calling on people to register their children's births if they had not done so. Since such persons usually can't read, these ads seemed a waste of Government funds. (But what else is new?)
As a journalist, I am often invited to discussions and lectures. I've noticed, however, that pseudo-intellectuals almost always hold these events on Thursday nights. So I rarely go. They're not worth my missing Elise Neal (the sexy wife on "The Hughleys") or Kelly Hu (the gorgeous detective on "Martial Law"), although these shows aren't half as hilarious as the lectures.
Speaking of pseudo-intellectuals, why do people always clap at the end of artsy films, like those put on by embassies? Given that the directors aren't there, the actors aren't there and the writers aren't there, I can only conclude that people at these events are clapping themselves for their wonderful taste.
Any sentence prefaced by "With all due respect to So-and-So" means that the respect due is very little, since the rest of the speech invariably badtalks the person.
Venus Williams is a wonderful tennis player, but she is not beautiful. The commentators who refer to her attractiveness are only revealing that they actually think all Black people are ugly.
And a Czechoslovakian woman named Ludmila Forminova won an international 800 metres race this year. I can't tell you how weird it was to see a white person winning a track event.
In a front-page story in the Sunday Mirror some weeks ago, Yesenia Gonzalves confidently predicted that Ato Boldon would win gold. After he didn't, she was shown on the back page of the <I>Mirror<I>, her hand on a TV, talking about how Ato "looked" unhappy and tense. Suddenly, reading the future became reading body language. But will Ms. Gonzalves now lose customers because she was wrong? Of course not. The people who go to her are impervious to logic in the first place.
I really think Ato should have lip reduction surgery if he wants to win gold, though. He could gain a whole extra tenth of a second by the reduced wind resistance.
And isn't it interesting that the Chamber of Commerce arranged for him to give a talk at $75 per person? One sees their logic. Obviously anyone who can run 100 metres in under 10 seconds must be very intelligent. No doubt that's also why Prime Minister Basdeo Panday is naming a college after him.
And, just to finish with Ato, there is a large billboard which reads, "Ato Boldon drives a...Toyota." The picture on the billboard shows a Toyota and Ato Boldon getting ready to...run.

A Rotary Club billboard entreats addicts to stop using drugs because "Your country needs you." Guess the message is meant to appeal to all those socially responsible drug addicts.