June 23 2000, 879 words
Women like to say how men are such liars. To which I say, "Bwahahaaaha!"
Fact is, men generally lie about only one thing, and that's sex. Moreover, we lie about that to only one person: our wife or girlfriend. (Okay, some men lie to two persons.) And we usually lie only about one aspect of sex to our wife or girlfriend: when we're having it with a woman who's not them. Otherwise, except for politicians and ethnocentric historians, men are generally straightforward (or stupid, whatever you prefer).
Women, on the other hand, have created an entire culture based on deception. Just last week I was walking through Port of Spain and noticed an odd thing: not one woman under forty had sagging breasts. It was amazing. All around me were women of all shapes and sizes, dressed in blouses, shirts, jerseys, halter tops: all with their breasts looking me straight in the eye - in fact, both eyes.
I knew what it was, of course. I do read magazine articles, and my closest friends are all female. So I know that the Wonder Bra truly does wonders, and that there was never more truth in advertising than when somebody named the push-up bra. Even so, it looked really weird to see all these women with gravitationally impossible mammaries.
Nor do I quite get the logic behind it. The reason for wearing these bras are, I assume, to attract men. But, once you attract a man you want to attract, there will come a point when the bra has to come off. Think about it: would you appreciate it if we stuffed our jockey shorts?
Which brings me to an even more shocking observation I made on that same day. Watching all these perky bosoms, I started trying to figure out who was getting the most artificial support. Faces were a giveaway: puffy faces rarely go with puffed breasts. But the best way to tell was to look at the other end (which I do anyway). And that was when I got my shock: there were nearly as many firm, rounded backsides as there were firm, rounded breasts.
Yet, looking at these women's soft arms and tummies, I knew something wasn't kosher. And, later, when I returned to Chaguanas and was going down the main road to buy some clothes hangers, I heard a pavement vendor shouting, "Girdle panties here, get your girdle panties here!" and the light, as they say, dawned.
Now women might argue that they do these things only because men make them do it. We like the make-up and the upright breasts and the round rear-end and so on. This is true. But the deceptions women indulge in aren't merely physical. Women are also emotional deceivers.
I find this quite ironic, given that one complaint modern middle-class women have about men is that we don't express our feelings. Truth is, there's really only one feeling we don't express: when we're feeling fed up with our women. That we hide, not only because we know it'll lead to trouble, but because we actually prefer not to hurt our women's feelings. But all our other emotions we generally express truthfully: women only think we don't because the average man doesn't really have that many feelings to express.
Women, however, lie about their feelings all the time. Take this common one: "You can be straightforward with me, sweetie. I like straightforwardness." And some of us actually believe you, which is how we end up sleeping on the couch.
And another one women like to use: "I does only get vex for five minutes and then I done with that." Uh-huh. That's why we have to go out and get a bunch of roses, jewelry, or airline tickets for a weekend in Barbados, depending on how long the five minutes lasts.
But my personal favourite is: "You can tell me anything. I'll understand." Men who swallow that one usually do end up under standing, if you get my drift.
Which brings me to the biggest female deception of all: the faked orgasm. This is what really defines the difference in honesty between men and women. Men can't fake an orgasm. We lose our brains through our smaller head, and a woman will always know it. Whereas many men sail through life convinced that no woman has ever faked it with them.
But I know better (though only because I read magazine articles and my closest friends are female, naturally). And I don't get it. Why do women think they have to fake their climax? It's really not necessary. If you have a man who is selfish, then he doesn't care whether you have an orgasm or not. And if you have a man who's unselfish, then he'll understand if you don't have an orgasm.
When I put the question to my female friends, they said they fake it because they're tired and want to stop. But that kind of reasoning just shows how little women understand men. If you're tired, just say so. Your man will actually be pleased. "Really?" he'll say, smirking. "I tired you out?" and roll off both happy and proud.
Copyright ©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh