22 December 2000, 836 words
I find it very difficult to choose gifts for people, and this is not just because I only buy gifts for women. But it seems to me that most gifts for women are, in some way, insulting. Take perfume. When you buy perfume for someone, what are you really saying? "Here, take this, you need to improve your smell. Your real smell just won't do. Spray this on. You'll smell better, men will like you."
When you get right down to it, there is no real difference betweeople from your fingers. And what on earth is going on with those ears of yours? Here are some earrings, let people look at them instead. As for those wrists, they won't do at all, hide them with these bracelets."
(If you doubt the truth of what I'm saying, consider this: have you ever seen a flat-stomached woman with a navel ring?)
Men would be much easier to buy for: any gadget is greatly appreciated, and that's even if the man never uses the combination orange-peeler-toothpick-with-magnetic-compass. Andople from your fingers. And what on earth is going on with those ears of yours? Here are some earrings, let people look at them instead. As for those wrists, they won't do at all, hide them with these bracelets."
(If you doubt the truth of what I'm saying, consider this: have you ever seen a flat-stomached woman with a navel ring?)
Men would be much easier to buy for: any gadget is greatly appreciated, and that's even if the man never uses the combination orange-peeler-toothpick-with-magnetic-compass. And there's no insult there (except maybe the implication that you could get lost in your own kitchen). On the other hand, giving a woman an appliance as an Xmas gift is an insult in itself, no matter how useful the appliance may be.
But that may be the essential difference between men and women: men appreciate gifts which are useful, or appear to be so; women appreciate gifts which are useless, especially when they appear to be so.
A man, for example, would be glad to get a raincoat as an Xmas gift. A woman, however, would be ecstatic over some strappy top which she would only wear once. But it is impossible to buy clothes for women (unless you actually carry the woman to try it on, in which case the surprise is spoilt). Does she wear tops that will show off her bosom or conceal it? Does she prefer pleated skirts so she'll look like she has more ass, or does she resent them because they make her hips look wide? Even colours are a problem: you may know a woman's favourite colour is green - but, what you didn't know, not that shade.
Now men's clothes only come in three sizes - small, medium and large - so there's no hassle about how it go fit. We also generally like only five colours - blue, black, white, khaki and, sometimes, green - and the shade doesn't matter once it's not fluorescent.
So men are easy to buy for. But, like I said, I don't buy gifts for men and, even if I did, I wouldn't care if the gift insulted them. That, after all, is how we men bond: by making disparaging comments about one another.
I think, though, that everybody understands at some unconscious level that most gifts contain some implied insult. Advertisers base whole campaigns on this psychology: "You're not attractive/thin/cool/smart/fit enough. But buy our product and all that will change."
In other words, advertisers depend on people's stupidity and/or insecurity in order to sell their wares. And they clearly consider men to be more stupid than women: that is why every advertisement aimed at men has a sexy, scantily-clad woman in it. Selling a power drill? Put a woman in a bikini next to it. We men look at the drill, look at the woman, and become convinced that if we buy the drill we'll be better at both sex and woodwork.
Not that advertisers think women are smart, but they target them more for their insecurities. The other night I saw an advertorial for magnetic products with an all-female cast. Now, if I gave anyone a magnetic therapy item, that would be an insult in itself, since it would mean I consider you dumb enough to believe in magnetic therapy.
But I was wondering: how do you really go about giving another person the magnetic belt, to reduce their fat waist? Or the magnetic cup, designed to aid digestion and stop flatulence? Or a magnetic mask, to remove wrinkles and tighten your sagging face?
And let's not even talk about the fat-removing soap.
Maybe, though, that's the real reason gift-giving is so popular: it allows us to insult other people while seeming generous. The only exception is when you give of yourself: your mind, your body, your heart. The only true gift, it therefore seems, is a marriage proposal.
Copyright ©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh