2 February 2001, 893 words
In order to stage a coup, you will need to book the Central Bank Auditorium several months in advance. You must make sure, however, that your coup is free of obscene words, or else you will not be allowed to use their stage. Do not even try to get the Little Carib Theatre: overthrowing the government is generally controversial and, according to Board member Junior Telfer, the Little Carib shys away from controversial events.
A coup requires men and women of like minds. If they are not of like minds, it is impossible to agree on the menu. A coup has to be carefully planned, and this is difficult to do when some people want crab and callaloo while others insist on curry goat. Sometimes, arguments even break out over the char su kai fan, and then there is a bloodbath.
Once the menu has been decided upon, however, the actual planning can begin. The first and most important task is to give everyone a rank. The leader of the coup is usually called "General" or "Colonel". The difference is not one of authority, but of hair. Generals favour beards, colonels prefer moustaches. However, both shave their legs regularly.
The second-in-command is usually give the rank of Major. Below him are several men who are all "Commanders". Commanders are the ones who give the actual orders to the troops, such as "Attention!", "Stand at ease!", or "Pat your head and rub your tummy!" The troops are referred to as "Comrades", if the coup is a left-wing one, or "Brothers", if the coup is right-wing. Sometimes, a coup is neither, in which case the followers are just called "Hey, you".
Other people are given names according to the tasks they have to carry out. The person who plants the bomb, usually a woman or young boy, is called "Committed", and are chosen because they should be. The person who carries messages during the coup is given a code-name, such as "Ninja", and is also responsible for providing light refreshments. The treasurer is called the Treasurer.
After this first stage is completed, there must be a discussion as to why the coup is being staged. Although it is technically possible to have a coup just for so, this is frowned upon. The following are generally accepted as good reasons to stage a coup: (1) the Government drinks too much champagne; (2) the Prime Minister does the Funky Chicken in public; (3) God told me to.
Once the reasons have been decided on, they must be translated into rhetoric. An example of rhetoric is: "This oppressive, uncaring Government is steeped in the fetid swamp of corruption, while starving infants cry in the night and our sisters are forced to prostitute themselves in order to buy bread, even as these uncaring capitalists driving by in their imported cars ignoring the divine will of the people for higher wages, jobs for all, and free dance classes!"
(If rhetoric fails to mobilize the masses, the words can always be used for a hit Country&Western song.)
The next stage is to get arms. It is impossible to have a coup without the right weapons. The Chamar Revolt of 592 BCE, when the Untouchables of India tried to throw off the yoke of Brahminic oppression, failed largely because the Untouchables attacked the palace with rubber chickens. They were thus easily defeated by the opposing kshaytriyas, who used live chickens to devastating effect.
The standard weapons in any modern coup are knives, guns, grenades and bazookas. However, you may wish to have a bloodless coup. This can be accomplished in two ways: you can either use the same weapons listed above, but have plenty bandages and J-cloths on hand; or you can train your men to eat two pounds of beans every day and overthrow the Government by invading Parliament and breaking wind simultaneously. Revolutionaries should bear in mind that this tactic requires synchronised watches, otherwise the Government is not overthrown but just run out of Parliament shouting "Oh geed!"
What do you do once your coup has been successfully completed? This is a problem not considered by many revolutionaries. But, looking at the successful revolutions of history, such as the French and Russian and Haitian revolutions, there are clear guidelines.
First, you must announce that a coup has taken place and you are now in charge of the country. (Do not forget to notify the post office of your change of address.) You must also change your title. If you were called General, you must now be called President; if, however, you were called Colonel, you will now be called the President-General. If you were called Louie Bronowski, you still be called Louie Bronowski but everybody praises your toupee.
After these initial details are taken care of, you must buy new furniture and change the wallpaper. You should then redistribute land. This can be done by decree or by bulldozer. Your coup is then complete, and all you have to do is worry about being overthrown, murdered or giggled at.
As you can tell, staging a coup is a very complicated matter. There is, however, a simpler alternative which produces similar results: become Prime Minister of a small, ethnically-divided Third World nation, then spend all your time announcing plots to overthrow you.
Copyright ©2001 Kevin Baldeosingh