10 May 2001, 895 words
Obeah is a form of black magic or, as Afrocentrists prefer to say, Black magic. An obeah man or woman is generally approached by people who want to get money, improve their sex lives, or put a curse on someone. Some obeahmen offer a three-in-one special, which often results in marriage.
Curses are the most frequent service obeahmen are asked to provide. Clients may want their enemy to get perpetual diarrhea, be horribly maimed in a car accident, or talk like Mervyn Assam.The procedure is as follows. First locate an obeah man or woman. Not all obeah practitioners live in old wooden houses in the forest, but most have an office there. When you tell the obeah man what you want, he will tell you his fee and whether he accepts Mastercard. Some obeah people will ask you to supply materials for the curse, such as a black (or Black) chicken, bottles (Vat19, Carib or a good Charbonnet) and a copy of Frank Sinatra's Greatest Hits.The obeah man gives no guarantee about when the curse will take effect, only that it will. This is why, if you intend to go to an obeah man, a death curse is your best bet.
Love potions are also a major item supplied by obeah practitioners. If you are a man who wishes a woman to fall in love with you, the following spell has proven quite effective: obtain five (5) hairs from the woman's head, one (1) intimate piece of apparel; and one (1) woogy. Put them in a bag, drive up to her house in a BMW, and give her gold bracelets (2), a pearl necklace (1), and a 1(1)-carat diamond ring. This spell has rarely been known to fail.
Healing is another service which obeahmen are often called upon to do. In the Phillippines, people often go to "psychic surgeons", who can remove tumours without using scalpels. Even more miraculously, the tumours always transform to chicken fat or pig livers when extracted.
More popular is healing through manipulating the body's unseen energy field. Scientists have tested both healers and patients for signs of this field and have found no evidence of it. This, of course, demonstrates how ignorant scientists really are.Most popular of all is "faith healing". Christian cancer patients often try to cure themselves by prayer instead of surgery. The fact that nearly all have died forces us to the logical conclusion that cancer is an engraved invitation from God or that the dead Christians lacked true faith.
Zombies are human beings who have been raised from the dead. They make good servants, requiring neither food nor sleep nor pay, though it can be somewhat embarrassing if their nose falls off while serving the soup. It is for this reason that most employers in Trinidad and Tobago prefer to use live people, although they usually pay them just enough to keep body and soul together, which makes the body really pissed.
Many people do not believe in zombies. However, you may have met a zombie without even realizing it: they have a glassy stare, pained expressions, and frequently drop dead while you are speaking to them. On the other hand, the possibility that you are a terrible bore should not be discounted.Seances are used to contact the dead, who hardly ever leave a forwarding address. The person who conducts the seance is called a "medium". This is because a well-done seance is quite rare.
A seance usually requires at least four persons, who sit in a circle holding hands but do not sing "Kumbayah". Only one spirit should be called at a time, since calling several ties up the psychic hotline. The room should be lit by candles, which create the proper mood and help conceal any wires or tape recorders the medium may be using to assist her in this difficult task.As the medium goes into her trance, a breeze may begin to blow, especially if she has had beans for dinner. The table often rises. Spirits seem to enjoy lifting tables, which suggests that the next world offers little in the way of entertainment.
When the spirit does come, he or she usually chooses to speak through the medium. Spirits always speak in a deep voice, not unlike James Earl Jones's. "Luke," she will say, "I am your father, Luke."
The spirit will prove its bona fides by telling whoever called it things only the dearly departed could have known, like whether he really liked that yellow shirt you gave him in '82. This proves beyond all shadow of a doubt that a spirit world not only exists, but dead people have no fashion sense.
Copyright ©2001 Kevin Baldeosingh