14 June 2001, 802 words
Dear Swami Kevin,
Please explain the following dream which I had after watching a National Geographic special which said that Trinidad's population was 1.3 million, all Indian. I dreamed that they interviewed a man with strong glasses and a weak chin, who said Trinidad needed an Indian party. He then started to juggle Play-Whe balls and dance a chutney dance. But he broke his hip and was carried away by men in white coats, screaming, "Apan jhat! Apan jhat!" What does this mean?Yours sincerely,
D. Parsuram Masala
Dear Mr. Masala,
To dream of a National Geographic Special means that you wish to travel, but prefer to do so without leaving your sofa. The Play-Whe balls mean that your erections are a gamble. You fear either impotence or castration, depending on whether your wife has a bad shape or a bad temper. Take two Viagra and write me in the morning.
Dear Swami Kevin,
Last night I dreamed I was having dinner at a fine restaurant. They served the Oxford English Dictionary, which I ate with a green salad and a glass of red wine. For dessert, I had a PhD with sour cream. When I had finished, I told the waiter, "Your establishment's pabulum has caused me enteric hermeneutics. Your menu is clearly an ironic rodomontade." I then belched. Please interpret.Yours truly,
H. B. Sesquipedalian
Dear H.B.S.,
The fact that you were dining alone shows that you lack emotional fulfillment. You want to be loved for your mind, which probably means that you can't depend on your looks. Your dream reveals that you have a deep desire to become an academic, or gas.
Dear Swami,
Please interpret the following dream. I was at the MTV Movie Awards. I had just won the Popcorn for Best Death Scene by an Actor playing a Fish. But, as I was making my speech, a beady-eyed man with a chinny for a moustache came and snatched it back. He announced that I wasn't really the Best Fish because I was too fresh. He then shouted, "Heil paradigm!" and began to goose-step around the stage. The audience then flew south for the winter, but not on BWIA.Sincerely yours,
Pisces
Dear P.,
The fish symbolises Good Friday, while its freshness reveals that you worry about Jesus's death and your deodorant failing. The thin man's moustache represents your fear of Hitler's resurrection and of a hairy insect attaching itself to your upper lip. In a previous life, you were either Jewish or had really long nose hairs. Either way, you suspect other people are laughing at you behind your back. You can stop them by spinning around suddenly so they end up laughing in your face.
Dear Swami,
Last week I dreamed I was a Rottweiler in a strange jungle. I was barking at a vampire bat, a silver fox, a parrot, a laughing hyena, several jackasses and a few corbeaux. Sitting in a tree above was Francis the Talking Mule. Between all of us were some sheep. The vampire bat flew down on the sheep and started drinking their blood. I started to growl and Francis kicked me in the head. Can you tell me what this dream means?Sincerely,
Keith Rowdy
Dear Mr. Rowdy,
Dreams of animals represent a desire to get in touch with your primal self. The mule represents your social repression caused either by an over-affectionate mother or turtleneck sweaters. The sheep represent your desire for baked lamb with small potatoes and some chive. Don't be conventional. Stop wearing clothes, especially when taking a bath.
Dear Swami Kevin,
I have been having the following dream and would like to know what it means. I am jogging through a village somewhere in Central. There are signs saying, "No Douglas allowed." At the side of a road is an Indian girl, Apache I think. She is wearing buckskin and has two long plaits. She smiles at me and takes out a bow and arrow and shoots me in the chest. Hindu columnists come and scalp me, yelling, "We are intellectual warriors! Preserve the Indian physical image!"Yours truly,
Mighty Dougla
Dear M. Dougla,
The sign represents your envy of Douglas Fairbanks. You want to be tall, dark and handsome and kill Indians. The jogging represents your desire to get fit and tanned, but you are obviously worried about dying from a heart attack. The Apache girl is a warning to stop eating red meat. Avoid Spanish-mixed women. The attack by kshatriyas reveals your fear of your Indian heritage. You can resolve all these issues by getting a short haircut, a kurta, and a potbelly.
Copyright ©2001 Kevin Baldeosingh