Kevin Baldeosingh - The Gift of Insult

The University of Baldeosingh

23 February 2001, 842 words

Finally! I have at last found a way I can use my intellect to make as much money from religion and other damn foolishness as Pastor Cuffie does. Here, then, is the prospectus for the university I plan to open as soon as I get a post-office box.

Introduction
Located somewhere on the beautiful twin-island Republic of Trinidad and Tobago, the UOB offers courses in whatever you care to take, and with every application you get a free toaster as soon as your cheque (or "check" - yes, we are bilingual) clears.

Requirements

The UOB applies strict criteria for admitting students, mainly an advance deposit. However, certain students may be granted lower fees, depending on their situation. (If your situation is that you are female, attractive and willing to come for - and during - a personal interview, your fees may be cancelled altogether.)

PhD submissions: Theses must be double-spaced on one side of the paper only, especially if hand-written, and must be 90 words or less.

Courses offered

BS 101 - A thorough grounding in bullspitting. Includes Theory and Practice of Bullspit, Applied Bullspit and Advanced Bullspit. (This last course requires prerequisites in Basic Dribbling, Uses of Phlegm, and Methods of Drooling.) Also includes field trips to fields populated by unconstipated cows.

Poetry 101 - Teaches you how to recognize the difference between iambic trimeter and iambic tetrameter, even on a dimly-lit street. Practical instructions on how to use quatrains to defend yourself, given by an ex-Don of Cambridge. Special classes on the iambic pentameter and what to do if encountered unexpectedly in a collection of vers libre poetry.

Architecture - A study of the Byzantine, Aegean, Renaissance, Gothic and Georgian styles, with instruction on how to combine them all in one $10 million building.

ConScience 201 - How to listen to that small voice inside and hear exactly what you want. Practical instruction in Dissembling, Denial and Double Standards. The study of evolution and why it's a Satanic theory. Why gravity is a law but green salad optional. Course includes handy tips on how to effectively refute scientists and other intellectuals, with particular attention to Death Threats, Censorship and Public Beheading.

Economic Theory - Learn how to become a multi-millionaire without earning a cent. Teaches the formula for working out how much cash it takes to perform miraculous healings or get astonishing government contracts. Special seminars on tax loopholes, the advantages of offshore bank accounts, and how to sew money in the lining of your trousers. This course also provides instruction on Advanced Spending, with emphasis on the purchase of Mercedes-Benzs, BMWs, Spacewagons and white leather boots.

Art Appreciation - A wide-ranging course that teaches the meaning of terms like "chiaroscuso", "expressionist" and "acrylic" and whether they should be used in mixed company. Study of primitive art, from the Lascaux cave paintings to Pictionary sketches. The work of artists from Picasso to Leroy Clarke are examined to see if they can draw. Practical instructions given on squinting, saying "Hmm", and turning up one's nose.

Linguistics - The study of language and why it's the best thing to use when talking. Training in how to speak with a Yankee accent, say "Jesus" in three or more syllables, and asking for generous contributions. (Special courses available for Hindus in Closing the Sinus and for Muslims in Hawking & Talking.) Includes Basic Rhetoric, where you will learn how to speak for three hours and say nothing, and Advanced Invective, where you will learn to harangue without spitting.

Theology - A key course guaranteed to help you know God better. Does He prefer tea or coffee? When He told Abraham to sacrifice his son, was He joking or what? Is God really a Trini and, if so, what does He think of wining? Students who successfully complete this course will receive a poster of Jesus, Mohammed or Krishna, personally autographed.

Medicine - The art and science of curing disease. Includes Scaring Away Germs with the Holy Ghost; Spiritual Massages and Why the Body must be Naked During It; and Using Tongue Depressors and Cheering up the Tongue Afterwards.

Etiquette - Covers the history and philosophy of good manners. Are good manners a moral imperative? If not, why are they called "good"? Students are taught the different methods of saying "Please" when asking for a raise or asking for sex, and in which situation it's acceptable to scream "Oh, baby". Second semester will cover saying "Thanks" as though you really mean it. Students who pass these courses will move to the Advanced Class, which covers the proper use of knives and forks, napkin-wiping techniques, and subtle methods of digging one's nose.

Geology - The study of rocks and why they are good for weighing things down. Analysis of sedimentary, igneous and metamorphic rocks and which are the most likely to suffer from split personalities. Also covered is the historical relationship between rocks and sand, the shameful "pet rock" period, and the influence of volcanism on rock 'n' roll.