05 April 2002, 891 words
Students sometimes write me to get answers to questions set by their teachers. On one occasion I was even asked to write a whole essay. I have to admire these students' enterprise, if not their work ethic. And, of course, from adults I get queries all the time on writing and philosophical matters.
I do try to answer everyone's questions, but it occurs to me that these same persons would never dare call up a lawyer or a doctor and try to get free advice. So I have decided to fill what is clearly an unfilled niche, which I admit makes me a typical man, and get paid for it, which shows my feminine side. I have made up my own letters, not only because this column is new, but also because these letters will never be written by those who most need to write them.
I want to be a writer. I would like to write great novels, at least 500 pages long. I am a very gifted young woman, for I have the body of a super-model, the brain of a super-philosopher, and the spirit of a super-samurai. Please tell how I can use my talent to become a great writer, the kind who gets at least a six-figure advance.
JQ Orishae
Dear Ms. Orishae:
First let me congratulate you on your ambition to be a writer. Many people want to be writers, but not many people realise what being a writer requires. Pens, for instance. A lot of aspiring writers think they can get by with Pilot pens, which have a rolling ball and do write very nicely. But some people, believe it or not, use Bics.
If, however, you are really serious about becoming a writer, you definitely need to get a fountain pen, with a platinum nib. And ink. Also paper. You are now set. I shall watch your future career with considerable interest and, if ever I am outside your house, a pair of binoculars.
I would like to become a Trinidadian scientist. Please tell me how I can achieve this.
R. Clarke Velikovsky
Dear Mr. Velikovsky:
Becoming a scientist is no easy task, especially in Trinidad. You need to learn maths, physics, chemistry, biology and, if time permits, the Funky Chicken. But, to be an eminent Trinidadian scientist, you also have to read the Bible or the Bhagavad Gita or the Holy Qu'ran, since all knowledge is already in one of these books (which one depends on the kind of family you are born into). Only then will you be truly prepared for your task as a Trinidadian scientist, which is to provide answers to the questions people are really concerned about, like does God exist and why didn't Einstein trim his moustache?
I am interested in doing my PhD in Literature so I can talk about books using really long words. My favourite writers are Shakespeare, Toni Morrison, and Cliff's Notes. I only have my A-levels but I would prefer to save time and money by doing my PhD at once. Could you help me?
Vanessa del Ramchand
Dear Ms. Ramchand:
You are already on the right path. Many students have gotten Literature degrees just reading Mr. Notes alone. If you wish to do your PhD without getting your undergraduate degree, there are several ways you can go about this. One method is to stand in the quad and sing "Morning has Broken" until they give you a doctorate. Another is to tickle a senior lecturer under the chin (i.e. about three feet under). Another is to buy your PhD from a non-accredited university. For more details, write any pastor with "Dr." before his name. Not only will he be able to give you exact rates but, for a small fee, also save your immortal soul.
I would like to be a cultural icon, like Picasso or Norman Mailer or Stanley Kubrick. I cannot draw, but I'm very good at visiting art galleries. I think human beings too stupid and boring to write about, but I do know words like "ontology" and "pabulum". And, though I know I could be a brilliant film director if I wasn't afraid to look through that eye-hole thingummy on the camera, I can sit for an entire day watching movies and eating potato chips. What should I be?
Raymond "Coolest Foucault" Victor
Dear Coolest Foucault:
It is clear that you are eminently suited to be a Cultural Critic. Just remember to be racially paranoid, always write your job description in upper-case, and practise your sneer daily in front of a mirror.
I am a great lover of books. I often go to bed with a book. If it's a big book, I can read for hours and hours. I also read in many different positions. I like books by James Joyce and Wilson Harris and George Lamming. I like them because they really, really bore me. I understand that you are a good writer. I'd like to get hold of your books. Could you help me?
A. Nin (Ms.)
Dear Ms. Nin:
Thank you for your letter. Unfortunately, my books are of normal length and you would probably not find them deeply boring.
Copyright ©2002 Kevin Baldeosingh