21 January 1998, 971 words
There is in quantum physics a theory called the Many-Worlds Interpretation. Based on observations of the peculiar behaviour of light, which behaves both like a particle and a wave, many physicists believe that there is an infinite number of parallel universes co-existing alongside our own. If the theory is correct, it means that there are also infinite versions of ourselves living different versions of our lives.
It is unlikely that we would ever be able to travel to these universes yet, in a sense, we already do. Whenever we wonder whether out lives would have been different had we made one choice instead of another, there may actually be a version of ourselves who is living that alternate choice. So the persons who have the most valid passports to see into other universes are probably novelists, who may not in fact be creating fiction but simply recording the history of parallel worlds. And today, as a special treat for Independent readers, I am going to carry you with me to one of these worlds, an appropriate one to visit at this time of the year: a world where the politicians are calypsonians.
The Trinidad of that world is not much different from the one in ours. (Are you surprised?) The planet's geography is rearranged and, for this reason, the Indians came to the Caribbean as slaves in the 16th century while the Africans were brought in 200 years later as indentured servants. Hence, in 1998 in that universe, Cro Cro is Prime Minister and Basdeo Panday is a popular calypsonian whose sobriquet is The Mighty Truth. As Prime Minister, Cro Cro is populist, full of rhetoric, and careless with facts. As a calypsonian, Panday often sings about lying and tends to use many innuendoes in his compositions. This year, he has a popular calypso named "Liar Liar." Here are a few sample verses:
You will remember a long time ago in a famous calypso
A lyin' competition was won by the liar name Lion,
But man if they had that contest today again
Lion go get beat by people who not even tryin'.CHORUS:Liar, liar pants on fireWatch them burn the country down
When you lie language does die
But everybody playing mas in town.Is all them lawyers in politics
Who making the lying so much more,
Every time they talk in Parliament
You could plant a botanical garden with the manure.
This PM and he AG
Changing opinions whenever convenient,
They does say one thing in the morning
And do the opposite after lunch.But the Opposition Leader ent no better,
Like he does lie for spite;
If that feller tell you "Good morning"
You better check to make sure it ent night.
In that world Sat Maharaj is the Opposition Leader, having called early elections and been voted out. His party ruled over Trinidad and Tobago for 30 years and was marked for its corruption, nepotism and sidelining of the African half of the populace. Patrick Manning is a calypsonian who sings party tunes. His sobriquet is The Mighty Man. Although he won the Road March once, he has since sung only readily-forgotten commercial songs. However, his offering this year is popular among certain crowds. Here is a sample verse:
I holding on tight in de party
Holding on tight tight tight
I holding on tight in de fete
Holding on tight whole night.
They could try and throw mih out
I holding on tight,
They could try and fling me out
I ent going without a fight.
The chorus is "Hold on", repeated 33 times. Mighty Man is not considered one of the artform's more erudite practitioners - are you surprised? - but he makes a good living at it.
One of the most popular calypsonians in this universe is Brian Kuei Tung, popularly known as Lord Longtongue. His "Poverty is Hell" was a big hit a few years ago and this year he has another favourite with "No Poverty." Here is the chorus:
I singing in every party,
Me ent care which is which;
I didn' take no vow of poverty,
I making sure even mih grandchildren go be rich.
Another politician who has been incarnated as a calypsonian in this world is Dr. Morgan Job. He is the only calypsonian with a Ph.D., Hollis Liverpool being a teacher who is now Minister of Culture. In other respects, the Job of that world is not very different from the Job of this one. He is still obnoxious in personality, intellect and appearance. Even across universes, it seems, some things never change.
Job still seems to have a grudge against persons of his own ethnicity. His offering this year is called "Hardworking Dog." His sobriquet is The Mighty Whitey. (Are you surprised?) Here is a sample from his calypso:
One day up in LaventilleLiming with the illiterate swine,
I gone with a woman in the garbage dump
And wine and wine and wine.
She say, "Whitey you really mighty
It must be your doctorate."
I tell you I impress the girl so much
She only charge me half the usual rate.CHORUS:
Do the dog on mih log
Breathe hard, breed hard!
Do it in with a grind and bump
Do it in the rubbish dump,
Do the dog like if you mad.
I hope you have enjoyed our little trip to this alternate universe. Had I more space, I would treat you to the offerings from Wade Mark (Lord Crier), Adesh Nanan (Extractor), Ramesh Lawrence Maharaj (Lord Janus) and Reeza Mohammed (The Mighty Fork). But even this brief peek will have shown you that, when politicians are calypsonians, they aren't much different from calypsonians who are calypsonians.
And I'm sure you're not really surprised.
Copyright ©1998 Kevin Baldeosingh