Kevin Baldeosingh - Bad Advice

21 July 1997, 821 words


Public figures frequently do or say things which leave the rest of us flabbergasted. What, we wonder, could they have been thinking (or, as some prefer to say, not thinking)? But public figures are always surrounded by persons telling them what to do and this is a factor which should not be discounted. The letters which follow are an attempt to analyze some of the advice which might have recently been given to certain individuals, who ought to have known better than to take it. All names are fictitious,except for those which aren't.

Dear Pearl
Girl, take all the money they give you, oui! Don't mind they just trying to impress black people, ent you getting to perform all over the country and thing? Nobody ever take on Emancipation in this place but at least you had some dignity in the struggle. I don't feel that go change just because you take some money and, yes oui, you better try and get all for the Committee because what is the use of all this money split 30 ways, eh?
Gredele Wantalamone


Dear Khafra
Why not use the pyramids for a symbol of African genius and ambition?I mean, it isn't as if they were built by Sumerians or Greeks, in which case you would have to complain about the enslavement of the African peoples, thousands of whom died in the building of these entirely useless monuments. But since the pyramids were built by Egyptians, that's okey-dokey.
Rameses Retele


Dear Adesh
Close the schools for the whole Carnival week. It will get black people on your side and TTUTA will start to like you. You can even use the time to put in some fillings.
The Dental Association of Trinidad and Tobago


Dear Mr Garcia
I hope you ent going to protest the Ministry's plan to close schools for Carnival. My head does really be bad Ash Wednesday and I does always take sick and go Maracas, so if we have the week off anyway it mean I could take sick and make a nice river lime later in the year, too.
Edward Teach


Dear Morgan
Nah, what you talking about, paying back loan to the university? Nobody does do that! What happen, you feel you going to be a talk show host and tell black people not to depend on the Government? You feel you going to be a MP and they go call you Honourable? Boy, Eric Williams say everybody deserve free education. Black man have it hard, what happen you feel you white or what?
S.Wine


Dear Reezy-weezy
Don't worry. Nobody will hold it against you. People expect politicians to lie. You want to live up to people's expectations, don't you?
Susie


Dear Prime Minister
Please find enclosed my letter of resignation. Also enclosed is a pair of scissors for your convenience.
M.T.Gesture


Dear Camille,
Don't worry about them people who say the PNM lock up Woodford Square back in the 70s because Williams didn't want people practising free speech or gathering in crowds or holding marches without police permission. Just say that you don't know what the thoughts of the government was back then and that you don't really need permission to march, is just that you have to tell the Commissioner who might then refuse permission. I know this will make you sound kinda stupid, but don't worry. Once you next to Patrick, you will always seem like Einstein.
Dear Patrick
Don't resign at all at all at all. It is better to be an Opposition Leader for decades than somebody who places party and country first. You think party and country will take you one if you act according to principle? Not in Trinidad and Tobago, breds. It might take fifteen to twenty years for Panday to dead, but you young yet.
Johnny O.Prevatt


Dear Daddy dear
Defend people who are squatting illegally on Caroni land. It's perfect. The Caroni Board can't protest because Caroni is Government-owned and the heartland of UNC supporters. You'll be seen as a champion of the downtrodden, which is the best way to get into office. People will stop accusing you of abandoning your human rights principles, which some people who love to hate you feel you never had.
Your Loving and Very Educated Daughter


Dear Bas
Blame everything on the media. You know Trini people not too smart, so if you say it loud enough and long enough they will really start to believe that the newspapers against the UNC government and everything that wrong in the country is the media's fault and not the fault of the politicians who actually determine policies and have the power to implement them. Oh, and make sure and say every criticism against the Government is racist: people already stupid and race talk confuses even the half-smart ones.
K.K.Klan


Dear Anil
Don't feel bad that the boss buf you up in public, boy. He just testing you to see if you go stand up to him or lick he shoes. But he don't like people standing up to him, eh. Remember Hulsie? If you want to get a Board position one day or even keep that newspaper column, you better buy some tongue balm, eh boy.
A.Worm


Dear Lloyd
I think you should try writing fiction. As you know, the more incomprehensible a novel is, the more literary critics are impressed by it. You are thus halfway there already. Nor do novels require any empirical evidence for your ideas. Besides, as the foremost intellectual in Trinidad, can you ethically deprive the world of your hilarious anecdotal insights?
Cheddi Jargon

Copyright ©1997 Kevin Baldeosingh