30 October 1998, 991 words
I have never been good at planning my budget. Although I am fascinated by good figures, my mathematical skills are pathetic. So I was overjoyed to hear Finance Minister Brian Kuei Tung say that, when it comes to planning a budget, figures don't matter.
He is quite right, of course. If I tried to plan my budget based on shapely women, I'd be bankrupt within a month. It is curious: the better a woman's figure is, the more fussy she tends to be about her clothes. It doesn't matter that, no matter what she wears, men will ogle just as much. For us, what a woman wears is not half as important as what she doesn't wear. We would be happy to see a nice woman in a flour sack, once it was a fitting flour sack. But nice women always want the designer shorts, the expensive tops, and twenty different pairs of shoes. It wreaks havoc on the male wallet, and the irony is that these women aren't dressing for us - since we couldn't give a flying fig - but for other women.
Knowing this, I was glad to hear that the Finance Minister has ignored figures in the national Budget. Mr. Kuei Tung is free to use figures in conducting his own financial affairs - or even his non-financial ones - if he so chooses. But to use figures in the national Budget would be tantamount to corruption, if not prostitution.
Since Mr. Kuei Tung is one of this country's leading examples of fiscal success, I have decided to follow his example in planning my personal budget. The first thing I have to deal with is REVENUE. I am always worrying because I am a freelance writer, which basically means that I don't know where my next cheque is coming from. But I'm going to stop worrying. If push come to shob, as we plebeians say, I can always sell my computer and put that under "Income". I mean, that is basically how Mr. Kuei Tung was able to transform a $100 million-plus deficit into a $39 million surplus from the last Budget. I can also put in "Expected Revenue" from Novel-Writing and Lecture-Giving, although I have no contracts lined up for either. But Mr. Kuei Tung has listed revenues from things like Improved Water Supply and Customs Users Fees without a word as to what these measures are, so I guess that's okay.
This brings me to EXPENDITURE. Since my income is not fixed - indeed, I often feel it is beyond repair - I think I should put myself into deep debt in order to have spending money. I refuse to worry about going bankrupt: if shob come to falldong, I'll just impregnate some women with good figures and let our children worry about it. After all, Mr. Kuei Tung plans to borrow $3.2 billion in deficit financing. If he can get that from international lending agencies, surely I can persuade somebody to give me a few thousand dollars.
I suspect, though, that I don't have the right kind of figure for getting money out of people. I probably need to look more like Ish Galbaransingh. Hitherto, my custom has always been to spend money to keep in shape. This year, though, I plan to spend huge sums on a good pair of Nike running shoes, vitamins E and C, and food. Mind you, this is what I plan: I don't actually intend to do it. After all, the 1998 planned capital expenditure on Health was $127.3 million, but the Government only spent $14.5 million. So clearly health is a luxury, not a necessity.
I must admit to being a bit worried about Utilities, though. You see, I need water and electricity to do my work. I know this is fussy of me, but I absolutely cannot write until I have bathed and, unfortunately, the part of Central I live in rarely gets flooded. Capital expenditure on Utilities in 1998 was supposed to be $209.5 million, but the Government spent only $49.7 million. But I suppose Mr. Kuei Tung knows what he is doing, and the electricity and water I don't get somehow saves me money in the long run.
Another of my concerns, which I now realize is essentially trivial, is that of development. I always like to feel that I am progressing in some way, whether it's cutting my running time or writing better prose or building new relationships with people or just understanding life. Indeed, I would say that I expend more time, effort and money on this general goal than on anything else. But Mr. Kuei Tung has shown me that my priorities are all wrong. Capital expenditure on Development in the 1998 Budget was estimated at a whopping $1,079.8 million, but only $479.4 million was actually spent.
Clearly, then, while it is good to have developmental goals, one should not try to actually achieve them. After all, a country that is developing, rather than developed, will always have airport expansion projects, desalination projects, power generation projects - at least until the money runs out (but that doesn't matter since, as Finance Minister, you can make sure it has run into the right pockets.)
You will notice that nowhere on my list have I budgeted for figures. I used to believe that if I kept fit and retained my intelligence and naturally curly hair, women with nice figures would come naturally to me. Now, thanks to Mr. Kuei Tung, I know better. Not only is he a fiscal success, but he has many more girlfriends than I do. So my budget will now be spent on nice clothes, expensive cologne and a cell phone. Once I have those, the women will come for free. I know such measures are just cosmetic but, say what, apparently that is the secret of a good Budget.
Copyright ©1998 Kevin Baldeosingh