11 May 1998, 982 words
Like most writers, I am a lazy bitch. The preparation for these columns consists mostly of dozing in bed. Magazine articles require more effort: I do research and then doze in bed. For novels, I sit staring into space for several hours every day, typing occasionally, and then go to bed.
I need hardly add that, while I don't make much money, it'll be a long time before I get worry lines on my forehead.
One idea I've been playing with lately is for a novel called "Portrait of a Prime Minister." Politicians are always good for a laugh and I figure I'll make my protagonist a lawyer, too, which automatically takes care of two-thirds of the jokes. But when you write satire, as I do, you can't create strictly realistic characters. In order for your characters to be effective in a comic satire, they have to be archetypal. So, in the novel, the Prime Minister would not be a realistically-drawn character - instead, he would be an exaggerated stereotype of a Trinidadian politician.
Such a character would be rooted in irony. I haven't thought up any detailed scenarios yet, but I have a few ideas. For example, in one chapter a Minister in the government hires a woman for a key position in his Ministry, choosing her over five better-qualified men recommended by an independent body. The matter becomes public and the Prime Minister, while continually declaring himself intolerant of corruption, takes no action to discipline the Minister or even to have the woman removed.
In another scenario, the son of a long-time party member is given a key job in a State enterprise and, when certain questionable decisions arise about his performance, the Board fires him. The Prime Minister, declaring himself implacably opposed to nepotism, then takes action to have the Board removed and, instead of investigating his friend's son, accuses the Board of corruption. (Isn't that delicious? I am really proud of myself for thinking up such an absurd situation.)
There are a few other scenarios which I haven't yet decided if I'll use. There's one where a technocrat, dismissed from a lucrative job in the private sector, gets hired by a State enterprise as a Board member. He then creates a high-paying consultancy, resigns from the Board, and is hired by them for the post he created. In another scenario, I have a high-profile party contributor getting large Government contracts for his construction firm, even after an official investigation casts serious doubts on the tendering procedures. But I'm hesitant about using these ideas: even for a novel, they seem to be too obvious examples of corruption and nepotism.
But, in whatever scandals I do use, the PM keeps calling for proof, insisting despite the facts that he sees no evidence of wrong-doing. This is the only part of the book that will be based on real events for, as you have already guessed, I'll be satirizing the PNM and Johnny O' Halloran in that section, since this was exactly the official line adopted all those many years ago. (Needless to say, no serious political party would dare trot out that tired ploy today, so I'll probably have to set my novel back in the 1970s or, better yet, the 60s.)
But I realize some of this is overdoing it. Even in a humourous book, one cannot strain the readers' credulity beyond a certain point. If you do, they stop snickering and start steupsing. I mean, the PNM was rife with corruption and had many scandals, but that was across a 30-year span. A comic novel of this sort shouldn't really cover more than a five-year time frame: but would any reader really believe that one administration could have so many scandals in such a short period of time?
Still, the major source of humour will be centered on the Prime Minister character. As you will have gathered, I intend to draw him as the sort of man who says one thing but does exactly the opposite. This is always good for a laugh. Thus, he talks about being committed to democracy, but the first thing his administration does on assuming office is try to pass laws to control the media and public demonstrations. (I thought of making the character a former trade unionist, too, but the irony would probably be too blatant.)
One of my protagonist's stock phrases as an Opposition leader was criticism of the "vampiric cadre" - the business elite who, according to him, was responsible for all the country's social and economic woes. But, lo and behold! as soon as he becomes Prime Minister he starts playing golf and even succeeds in getting one of the richest men in the country to fire all the editors of a newspaper whose editorial tone the PM dislikes.
Another idea I had was to draw the Prime Minister as a man who talks a lot about the importance of adhering to the law, but who appoints as his Attorney General a lawyer who once successfully defended insurrectionists and known drug dealers. But, again, this seems to me to be going over the top.
There are some nice touches I've added to this PM's character, though: he always talks about being "full of love" for everyone, but vows that no one who opposes his government will escape unwounded. He preaches the need for tolerance, while displaying a vindictive small-mindedness towards his critics. And, while he declares repeatedly that his highest commitment is to the truth, he keeps getting caught lying.
So that's the idea. Doesn't that sound like a funny book? I think it'll be a funny book. But only because it's a work of fiction, of course. In real life, such a character would be cause for stress, not smiles. We're lucky that no one like that really exists, eh?
Copyright ©1998 Kevin Baldeosingh