February 9 1998, 958 words
Three times now I've applied for a Government wuk in this space. I figured doing so in a newspaper column would help get me a job, but apparently nobody in the Government reads the Independent. Then again, maybe they just don't read me. (I can hardly blame them. If I was a Government Minister and wrote about myself, I wouldn't read me either.)
Anyway, I'm beginning to get discouraged. But, as Anil Mahabir told the Mirror editors when he wrote them threatening to sue their paper, "I do not lose battles." (Presumably, Anil sent his missive before Carol Merritt cleaned him up in the UNC party elections.) So far, I've applied to write textbooks for Government Ministers, news scripts for ICN when the UNC takes it over, and Government-approved school textbooks. I was sure I'd land a job for this last post: I have a BA in Literature from UWI, I taught secondary school for three years and I've had two novels published. But, having read the Textbook Task Force report, I realize there are two good reasons I could never be a textbook writer: I'm far too qualified and I'm not the daughter of a publisher.
Anyway, I'm going to apply for a Government wuk again. The timing is propitious (I know big words, too.) If some Government Ministers had let me write textbooks for them, they wouldn't now be writing feverish reports for the Prime Minister trying to avoid being scathed. But I can still help them. If they hire me - and with their salaries plus the $4,000 housing allowance, I know they can afford it - I can write reports which will convincingly explain to the PM how things went off track.
This, I know, is a bold claim considering how off the track some Ministers are. But, having listened carefully to Stalin's advice, in today's column I'll prove I can do what I say I can do, hence avoiding jail. I'm even going to register a company which Ministers, technocrats and party hacks of every description can contract me to write their reports. It will be called Fingerpoint Ltd. Here are some samples of the preambles I would write. (First bit of advice: the body of the report is irrelevant because the Prime Minister certainly isn't going to read it. It is in the preamble that you do or die.)
Dear Prime Minister
When I said I had no problem with Mr. Soodoo, I did not really mean I had no problem with Mr. Soodoo. It was, as it were, a Soodoo pseudo-statement. I had been assured that he was a very bright young man and, since the "finest minds" have all been Negroes, I thought should promote an Indian with a fine mind in the interests of the party, Government and national unity. Were it not for the racist media and trade unions, I am sure there would have been no problem because none of them ever bothered about nepotism when it was their race who was benefiting, that is why I cuss up that bitch in Parliament.
FG
Dear Uncle Basdeo:
I think my being fired was unfair and politically-motivated. I imported the rice from India to promote national unity by ensuring that more people would be eating Indian food. Despite the failure of my plan, through no fault of my own, the UNC is now sure of the dog owners' votes. This is a significant constituency. But I think I should be given back my job. You not going to let this Syrian mafia win, are you? You know the Syrians support the PNM.
VB
Dear Prime Minister
I still think we can still harvest 100,000 tonnes. If we don't, it will be because of Acts of God, like flooding. (In fact, I would not let Sadiq stop flooding or else he will start feeling he is God.) I cannot be blamed for insects or the mill breaking down. It is the PNM's fault, especially Rowley, for running down the old mill when they were in power for 35 years. And although the mill came from India, my information is that it was built by low-caste Indians, and even some who had African ancestors. I have to check Rajnie Ramlakhan to see if this is possible, but it would explain a lot. After all, she says that Africans were the last human group to become fully human so this means that all other human groups are more evolved than Africans and that is why they built a mill which is clearly plagued by the demon of racism. But you can hardly blame me for this.
RM
Dear Sir
I cannot be blamed for the textbook fiasco. Everybody was calling me incompetent so I had to prove I was competent for the good of the party and the Government. It is not my fault that my good intentions were sabotaged by PNM public servants and that the publishers with the best textbooks were using children and friend and nennen to write them. How was I to know what is a good textbook or not? I am a dentist.
AN
Dear Prime Minister
There is no problem at all. WASA has always been corrupt. You can't change a place like this overnight. We had a real good Carnival fete. Nobody in Trinidad dying of thirst. No problem. The UNC bound to win the next election.
The Board.
I hope I will soon be receiving a flood of requests for my professional services. And, in case the Ministers and party hacks still have any doubt about my superiority over their own spin doctors, remember this: I have actually had my fiction published.