26 November 1999, 848 words
Chinese people are beginning to take over Trinidad. (Not Tobago - Germans are doing that.) And when I say "Chinese people", I don't mean "Chinee people", which is what we call Trinichinese, but Chinese from China. You have only to walk through half the malls in the city to confirm what I'm saying, for everywhere you will hear a set of people talking like dish breaking.
If this trend continues, and what with China at 1.5 billion people and growing, and with China's economy set to become the largest in the world, it is quite possible that Trinidad and Tobago might one day become a colony of China. If that happens, my question is: would we then all have to adopt Chinese names?
This might actually be a useful exercise. English names used to mean a profession, just like Indian names often reflect a caste. But the trouble is, English no longer do the same jobs as their forbears, most Triniafricans didn't choose their last names and all the smart low-caste Indians changed their names when they came over the kala pani. But if we turn Chinese, we could rectify this situation.
Chinee people would be the first to change their names, either to what it was originally or to something more suitable to their present occupation. Anthony Chow Lin On, for example, would definitely have to take a new name, since his present one means "He who puts salt, pepper and vinegar on green mango". Instead, he could just call himself Di Chay, with a lisp. The Gillettes would certainly have to get a non-Italian name, perhaps something like Jeet Kune Do, which means "the way of the intercepting fist" - the kind that breaks bottlenecks over radio talkshow hosts' heads even as it snatches multi-million-dollar computer contracts.
I would suggest, though, that politicians not be allowed to choose their own names. If they are, then we'll have a set of people lying every time they introduce themselves. Dr. Morgan Job, I would imagine, would be quite anxious to re-name himself. (Surely he lives in constant fear of boils?) If he were an honest man, the kind who doesn't default on student loans, he would call himself Ug Li. Which would be convenient, too - after all, people already call him that.
Minister-under-Carlos-John Adesh Nanan would probably call want to call himself Pa Ra Di Gm, not knowing that's Japanese. The proper, shorter and more accurate Chinese name for him would probably be Dim Wit, which is something like Dim Sum but less salty. (I suspect that when Mrs. Nanan wants to steam press the clothes, she just puts her husband's head on the ironing board and says, "Think!")
House Speaker Hector McClean could re-name himself Pom Po Us. After all, this is a man who once threatened to sue B.C. Pires for running a Most Boring MP and voting McClean the winner. (What if that case had really gone to court? The main defence witness for the Speaker would have had to be his wife, since the person you live with is the best judge of whether you are boring or not. But, in order to win his case, Mrs. McClean would have had to testify that her husband has never bored her, does not bore her, and is incapable of boring her.)
Other politicians would have an easier time re-naming themselves. Brian Kuei Tung could just shorten his name to Kuei, because a kuei, according to the Encyclopedia Britannica, is "a wide-mouthed container for food with an ample bowl-shaped body". Ramesh Lawrence Maharaj Spencer Morgan could save a fortune on ink just by calling himself Yin Yang, using whichever one is convenient at the time. Reeza Mohammed could change his name to Lai Man, though nobody might believe him. And Mervyn Assam would only have to change his first name to Ian.
Mind you, the Opposition MPs must also be part of this process. Colm Imbert can be called Dragon Lai, since he was the one who had the Red House serpent removed in the middle of the night and then said he knew nothing about it. Keith Rowley should take the name Chop Suey, since that is what he makes when he attacks the government. And Opposition Leader Patrick Manning can simply be called Han Ging On.
As for Prime Minister Basdeo Panday - well, he has long been called the Silver Fox, after the famous martial arts character. It is true some other people prefer to call him the Drunken Master, no doubt because his fighting style is so unpredictable. If China were to take over Trinidad today, though, the best Chinese name for Mr. Panday would without a doubt be "Confucius". After all, that is what a lot of UNC supporters are saying he did them when he changed from sugar-cane man to golf-player. And on that note I'll stop and await my strongly-worded letter from the Information Division not demanding an apology.
Copyright ©1999 Kevin Baldeosingh