23 April 1999, 942 words
I don't care what George John says. I want to win a prize for the best article on the Ms. Universe pageant. So what if journalists are being bribed to write nice things about the show? For too long officials have been content to try and influence us with lunches and free trips. It's high time somebody offered cash!
So here are my entries for the competition, all contained in one column. (I hope I get a few extra points for making things so convenient.)
ENTRY #1
Beauty contests have always been criticized for their emphasis on
beauty. In my view, this is a ridiculous criticism. One might as well
criticize a cattle show for having only cattle. And in any case,
beauty contests now place less emphasis on beauty. The contestants
now have to be able to talk platitudes, which prepares them to be
tomorrow's political and religious leaders. Many of the intelligence
questions also require that you read newspapers in order to be aware
of current events, like war or WTO disputes, or issues like
censorship or education. This alone shows you the great demands
beauty pageants make of the contestants, who are often only 19 years
old. In fact, one should note that the girls are not girls, but
women. They are also no longer contestants, but delegates. This is
because one cannot overestimate the great political influence
international beauty contests have had on world peace. Kosovo has
probably never sent a delegate to the Ms. Universe contest, which
isn't a contest but a pageant. Nicole Dyer should memorize this in
case she gets asked about ethnic cleansing in the Balkans.
ENTRY #2
On Tuesday April 13, a letter appeared in the Trinidad
Guardian from one Malika Ture, a Rastafarian from Carenage, under
the headline "Jah, bless Miss Universe." This letter provides
incontrovertible evidence that grassroots people are supporting the
pageant. Indeed, Brother Malika is so poor that his name isn't even
in the phonebook. In fact, all his family either don't have phones or
aren't named Ture. Nothing wrong with that: another pageant supporter
named Denzil Mohammed managed to send an e-mail to the
Guardian without a phone. But Ture is definitely a real name -
the late Stokely Carmichael named himself Kwame Ture and he wasn't
even a Rasta.
"When I listen to my people speak on the radio, I cry at times for the small man," wrote Brother Malika. This shows that all persons with a social conscience support the Ms. Universe show. There can be no doubt that the small man will benefit from the pageant and anybody who has such doubts should keep their mouths shut. There is a commercial on TV that shows a Rasta like Brother Malika (who for all I know may be Brother Malika, unless he is Sister Malika) selling souvenirs or, as the small man calls them, "soovinnys". On that commercial there is also a caterer, a rumshop owner and a maxi-taxi driver.
All these people will benefit from the Ms. Universe pageant. However, I would like to respectfully suggest that the organizers distribute eight-by-ten glossy photos of Mr. Donald Trump to all maxi-taxi drivers, so that if they see him waiting for transport on the side of the road in Chaguaramas they won't pass him straight.
ENTRY #3
A recent poll shows that Trade and Industry Minister Mervyn Assam is
now considered the second most popular, efficient and impressive
Government Minister in the Panday administration (after Dhanraj
Singh). This poll was conducted by me by phone and was confined to
people employed by the Ms. Universe pageant company since I didn't
have time to go all over Trinidad. Here are some of the comments by
respondents about Minister Assam (names have been changed to protect
the innocent.)
Mrs. Chandroutie Maharaj, housewife: "You know what I really like about de Minister is how he does talk. He does sound so, you know, sophisticated, I does feel like ah, you know, tingling kinda way when I does hear 'im on TV. And he does sound so sincere! I doh feel nobody does talk better than he in the government, oui."
Professor Geoffrey Toppincourt, BA, LLB, MA, PhD, FRS: "What I find most impressive about Minister Assam is the way he conducts himself in Parliament. Besides his impeccable command of the English language and the superb tailoring of his suits, his eloquent body language reflects a man supremely confident of himself and his leadership abilities. One notes, for example, his habit of turning his head one way and his body the next while speaking. This has been a mark both of great leaders and that wisest of birds, the owl, throughout history."
Precious-Amor Mohammed, student: "To tell you the truth, Minister Mervyn is the only Minister I know about. I doh really dig up on this politics thing. eh. But I like beauty contests. I think I could be Wendy Fitzwilliams too, one day. Well, not she, but me, but like she, nah. No, I know the Minister because he is the only cute one. I like older men, eh. Them young boys only want one thing and they cyar offer a girl nutten. But Minister Mervyn real cute, sah! Yeah. If he was a woman and 70 pounds pounds lighter and young, I bet he coulda win Ms Universe heself!"
Those are my entries. I do hope at least one will be judged as the best article about the show. Best of luck to the talented, committed, brilliant and efficient members of The Pageant Company!
Copyright ©1999 Kevin Baldeosingh