24 December 1999, 871 words
Since the advent of the Christmas season, I have been hearing rumours about particularly perfidious plots being plotted against public persons. As a responsible journalist, I immediately launched an in-depth investigation to uncover the putative perpetrators' pernicious plans, but was only able to alliterate, alas.
I then sat down and, like Sherlock Holmes, considered the available evidence. This did not take long since, as with court exhibits in cocaine cases, there was less than there should have been. I knew only the names of the targets and that it was Christmas. But, so keen is my intellect and so vivid my imagination, that it was not long before all was revealed, as the bishop said to the actress. I have chosen to warn the public persons through my column so that the persons planning these dastardly deeds will be frightened off, as well as to sell some more copies of the Independent.
I cannot say exactly who is behind this plan to destabilize the country. The profile suggests that he's tall, wears a gown and speaks as if his testicles are in a vice. My first clue came when I heard that certain prominent spokespersons from the Maha Sabha had been targeted for death. Rajnie Ramlakhan, I am told, was sent a copy of the December issue of Genetics Today, which has an article proving that Indians are descended from Africans. The plan, apparently, was to so traumatize her that she would immolate herself from sheer shame.
Kamal Persad and Devant Maharaj were treated even more cruelly. They received gifts of genuine brains which melted as soon as they were removed from their cooling canisters. Having seen the real thing, Devant and Kamal are reportedly now pining away, like men who have been kissed by goddesses in dreams.
Not only Hindus, but Christians too were singled out. I am told that Pastor Cuffie was sent a copy of the Bible with all the passages about love, tolerance and forgiveness underlined. He reportedly became so apoplectic that he may have suffered a stroke. I have not been able to confirm this, having heard only that he has ordered ten gallons of jheri-curl, twenty pairs of cowboy boots and asked his congregation to buy him a $500,000 van to in order to restore his equanimity. But special venom was reserved for the members of the Board of the Presbyterian Church, each of whom was sent a pair of strong prescription eye-glasses. My sources tell me that they have all refused to wear them, on the grounds that the spectacles make them look like nerds.
But the main attack by this unknown group has been directed, not surprisingly, at the Government. The first person who has been targeted is, not surprisingly, Attorney General Ramesh Lawrence Maharaj. As his own daughter, Kavita Maharaj Spencer Morgan once said, this is a man whom people love to hate. And even those who don't hate him dislike his coiffure. Mr. Maharaj may feel he is safe because he has even more bodyguards than the Prime Minister (of India, I mean). But I strongly advise Mr. Maharaj to avoid complacency, and using more hair tonic. He should also open his Christmas presents with extreme care. His enemies will not be using such commonplace weapons as letter-bombs or even itching-powder. Instead, with truly diabolic cleverness, they have sent Mr. Maharaj a gift-wrapped dose of integrity. Presumably, they are banking on his allergic reaction being so violent that he will simply swell up and explode.
According to usually reliable sources, other Government Ministers have already begun receiving presents aimed at destroying their political careers. Dhanraj Singh was sent a copy of The Complete Miss Manners, and now says "Please" and "Thank you". His doctors fear he may never recover. Mervyn Assam was reportedly sent a tape recording of the voices of Sir John Gielgud, Lawrence Olivier and John Cleese. So traumatized is he at their genuine accents that he may never speak in public again. In a particularly cruel ploy, Minister-under-Carlos-John, Dr. Adesh Nanan, was sent a pronunciation dictionary, and since reading it has been unable to use words of more than two syllables without dribbling. Only Brian Kuei Tung escaped unharmed. He was sent a copy of How To Lie With Statistics, apparently with the aim of confusing him. Instead, Mr. Kuei Tung simply replaced his old copy with the new one.
And, now, it is my painful duty to inform the nation that even Prime Minister Basdeo Panday has not escaped unscathed from this nefarious plot. With fiendish cunning, the conspirators sent him a bottle of rum laced with truth serum. My sources say that even before Mr. Panday's security officers could examine the gift paper, the damage had been done. That same evening, Mr. Panday was on national TV announcing a Commission of Inquiry into the administration of justice in Trinidad and Tobago. Needless to say, Mr. Panday's advisors are panicking, and are terrified that he will admit in public that he prefers the parasitic oligarchy over sugar-cane workers who wouldn't even know a niblick if you hit them on the head with one.
Copyright ©1999 Kevin Baldeosingh