13 January 1999, 968 words
I have lost track of the number of times I have used this space to apply for a Government work. Obviously, since I am still here, I haven't got one. But now I see a opening which is simply too good to resist: I want to be the editor of the UNC's party newspaper The Rising Sun.
First launched at the UNC third anniversary rally, the paper revealed an original competitive strategy: have Prime Minister Basdeo Panday declare war on the media while Anil Mahabir called journalists "faggots". The paper also had an original stylistic strategy: beginning its lead story with the phrase "Amazing scenes were witnessed" (a phrase which is to journalists what "It was a dark and stormy night" is to novelists.) However, these strategies, innovative as they were, had an unexpected setback: The Rising Sunhas apparently already gone defunct.
I think I can help. Once the UNC is willing to meet my price, I will take over the job as managing editor of the paper. My Independent and Express readers will no doubt be disappointed in me. But every man can be bought, and I am no exception. My price for selling out I will quote at the end of this column. But before that, just to show how I will get stories that readers will enjoy without changing the paper's style, here is a free sample of my work:
"Amazing scenes were witnessed when the UNC government, fulfilling its pledge to fight nepotism and to be transparent, cancelled the contract awarded to Northern Construction for the airport expansion project. Prime Minister Basdeo Panday declared, 'This time I am really letting the chips fall where they may.' The airport expansion is to be continued, but this time the tendering process will be aired to the media at every stage and there will be heavy penalties exacted on anyone, whether from NIPDEC or Cabinet, who interferes in the set procedure and lies about it afterwards. A sterling example of the Panday administration working ceaselessly for the citizens of T&T."
"Even more amazing scenes were witnessed when the UNC government completely revamped the InnCOGEN deal. Widely criticized for its guaranteed sales of excess current even if the country didn't need it - a clause which will cost the T&T economy about one billion dollars over the next 30 years - the contract now leases Caroni lands at market value, says excess current will be bought only if needed, has an environmental protection clause, removes any agreement that protects InnCOGEN from being sued for corrupt practices in getting the contract, and was signed in long pants. Just another example of your UNC government fighting corruption and nepotism."
"Still more amazing scenes were witnessed when Dr. Morgan Job was invited to a meeting of Cabinet Ministers. Addressing a public meeting afterwards, Dr. Job admitted that he was often guilty of hyperbole and of couching his thoughts in deliberately offensive language. Several people in the audience are reported to have fainted in shock."
"In even more amazing scenes, two Government Ministers tendered their resignations at the same time. The first was Finance Minister Brian Kuei Tung, who resigned from Cabinet and Government saying, 'After getting two consecutive budget estimates completely wrong and finagling figures to paint a rosier picture than was real, I feel that I am morally and ethically obliged to resign as Minister of Finance,' said Mr. Kuei Tung.
"Also resigning was Education Minister Adesh Nanan, who stated, 'Education is crucial to the country's development in a total-quality paradigm,' pronouncing the word correctly this time. 'Such an important portfolio cannot be left in the hands of a person with no training in either management or education. However, I do hope that the public will in future allow me to extract their teeth.'
"It must be pointed out that both these statement were made on April 1, All Fools' Day, so it is expected that only Nanan's resignation might be serious."
"Totally amazing scenes were witnessed when several police officers were arrested in connection with the Ramdhanie escape and the missing guns case. The arrests came about by looking at the duty rosters and figuring out who was in charge at the time. This innovative idea was reportedly suggested by the Prime Minister and implemented by National Security Minister Joe Theodore. Another example of the UNC fighting crime and corruption."
Incredibly amazing scenes were witnessed when Prime Minister Basdeo Panday criticized the Maha Sabha and its spokespersons for helping promote racial conflict in the society through their myopic views on Hinduism and race relations. This statement was made in an address to the nation where Mr. Panday also apologized to the national and regional media for his abusive statements to them in the past and promised to fire Dr. Rupert Griffith as Information Minister. 'The appointment of Dr. Griffith, an Independent PNM member in the UNC Cabinet, was meant to reflect my contempt of the media,' the Prime Minister explained, who also promised not to accuse every critic of his government of being a racist or pseudo-racist."
It is true that none of the above stories are true, but in a party newspaper that hardly matters. The important thing is to write what people want to hear. So, to conclude, here is my price for becoming a UNC spokesman: 15 percent of whatever a Government Minister makes, plus perks. (I can live quite comfortably on that.) Plus, the institution of a referendum system based on the Swiss model, passage of a Freedom of Information Act based on the US model, the resignation of Finance Minister Brian Kuei Tung, and legislation to have all Parliamentarians declare their assets and to ban pitbulls. Once these things are in place, I'll be happy to become a hack for The Rising Sun.
Copyright ©1999 Kevin Baldeosingh