November 19, 1999, 918 words
The United National Congress has done more in four years than any other government. So says Prime Minister Basdeo Panday, and this is a man who would never lie unless, of course, he happened to be speaking.
Perhaps the most significant achievement of this regime was the expulsion of former Morning Edition host Julian Rogers. As everyone knows, Barbadians are harder to get rid of than inkstains from carpet. Not only that but, by removing Rogers from Trinidad, the UNC successfully circumscribed his romantic relationship with a woman of Indian descent, which must have pleased Sat Maharaj immensely. So I think it fair to say that ridding this country of Rogers was no mean accomplishment, by which I mean it was quite a mean accomplishment.
Indeed, some of this government's most significant achievements have been in the field of media relations. In his very first year as Prime Minister, Mr. Panday single-handedly got the Guardian board to say that the paper's official policy was not to antagonize government. Not even Dr. Eric Williams ever accomplished that, and he wore dark shades. (It is a little-known fact that Dr. Williams significantly changed the policy of the U.S. government when, after meeting J. Edgar Hoover once at a cocktail party, he suggested dark shades could be a cheap and effective way to make FBI agents more intimidating.) Mr. Panday even managed to get some UNC fanatics to do journalists first at the UNC's last anniversary, displaying the quality of foresight that characterises all great leaders.
It must be admitted, though, that despite this and Green Papers and Equal Opportunity Bills, the UNC has still largely failed to shut up the media. But they have taken over the NBN and hired Radio 102's boss to dynamite logjams like Tony Lee and break bottlenecks like Dale Enoch, so significant progress has been made.
But one area where the UNC has undoubtedly done marvelously well is in its staunch support of party financiers. Indeed, the UNC has acquired a reputation world-wide for staunchness, and never needing to iron their shirt collars. Not only have these financiers got great deals, but the party only required one dollar down. No, wait, that's Courts. The UNC financiers actually put out a few million dollars (though some reportedly just showed their legs). In return, they were given multi-million-dollar contracts to build airports we didn't need, to generate electricity we don't need, and to produce water we don't need. In other words, the UNC has made sure that Trinidad and Tobago can never be described as a needy country. No other government in our part of the world has ever done that, at least not without being overthrown by men speaking Spanish.
Nor has this support been merely financial. The UNC has even helped its financiers take care of their pets. After several killings by pitbull dogs, and in the face of nearly complete public outrage, the UNC has brought a Dangerous Dogs Bill which ensures that only rich people will be able to use their dogs to kill burglars.
This may seem harsh, but bear in mind that tiefing is a serious problem in Trinidad and Tobago. Especially for rich people, who then have to go to all the trouble of replacing their music systems and video recorders. In fact, in the field of crime, the UNC has done more than any other government, without even one Minister being arrested. In one weekend, they hanged nine men. This gave Trinidad and Tobago a better three-day average than most Islamic countries. Mind you, Trinidad still has a high murder rate, but most of those killings are domestic murders. And the government is taking action on that front, too. Just two weeks ago, Prime Minister Panday urged men to be respectful of women. This will undoubtedly lead to a drop in domestic murders, or at least men saying "Excuse me" before chopping up their spouses.
But credit for UNC hangings and continued pitbull executions must be placed squarely on the shoulders of Attorney General Ramesh Lawrence Maharaj (although you'd have to get a lop-sided square and use Velcro to prevent it slipping off). Maharaj, in fact, can claim the second greatest accomplishment of any single member of government since, despite his flip from human rights defender to hanging Attorney General, he has not suffered a severe hernia.
Amazing as this is, however, Mr. Maharaj still has not outdone Mr. Panday who, far from merely flipping, has undergone a transformation so complete that some people fear he was both bitten by a werewolf and exposed to high levels of gamma radiation. Mr. Panday's trade union card, battered and torn from years of rhetoric, has now been officially replaced by that of the parasitic oligarchy (whose crest is a vampire bat perched on a money-chest in the shape of Trinidad and Tobago, with a syringe and sac). It is a much more attractive card, and the holder gets discounts at all participating restaurants.
Space does not allow me to list the many other accomplishments of the UNC regime, such as spending $60-plus million to host the Ms. Universe pageant and $4 million to pave six acres of the Queen's Park Savannah. As the party marks its fourth anniversary two weeks after the actual date, every citizen must ask themselves: What will this super-government accomplish in the coming year, and will we get a free screwdriver set?
Copyright ©1999 Kevin Baldeosingh