15 September 2000, 830 words
In the week preceding this year's Budget presentation, my confidential sources informed me of a nefarious plot to kidnap Finance Minister Brian Kuei Tung just before his address to Parliament and inject him with a mixture of sodium pentothal and ginseng. The intention, no doubt hatched by the Black Caucus of Journalists and the Opposition and Afro-Christians and demons stalking the land, was to make Mr. Kuei Tung speak the truth without a lisp. The plot failed. But what if it had succeeded?
Thank you, Mr. Speaker. Mr. Speaker, it is your distinct privilege and honour to have me, one of the most successful and attractive men in the country today, to stand before you today to present the National Budget.
Mr. Speaker, please permit me to begin by expressing my utmost contempt to my fellow Parliamentarians on both sides of the House, not one of whom is both as rich as me and have so many woman running him down.
I would also like to say thank you to every man and woman who stopped me in the street or called me to tell me what they wished to see in the Budget. It is gullibility like this which makes my job so easy, as well as my romantic life possible.
As I have done over the past five years, Mr. Speaker, I am here to lie to people about how their money is being spent and to pretend that this government has priorities other than staying in power and lining the pockets of its financiers, friends and family.
Mr. Speaker, five years ago the people of Trinidad and Tobago voted for a change, which they got. Although the incompetence and corruption and nepotism was the same, the change was that the corruption is far more blatant and bold-face. The people voted for a government to fight crime. They got gun-toting Ministers and Cherokee jeeps that could only work with one type of radio. They voted for jobs. They got multi-million dollar contracts for party investors. They voted for schools that worked. They got schools above rumshops. They voted for taps with water. They got a unnecessary desalination plant project.
Mr. Speaker, let me begin with a review of the economy. Since December 1995, we have created over 60,000 new jobs in Trinidad and Tobago. It could have been three to five times that number, but we had to create these jobs mainly in big projects where there was ample opportunity for kickbacks. We also had to spend hundreds of millions of dollars on beauty pageants, bailing out my friends in the insurance industry, and giving the Prime Minister's friends 30-year electricity contracts so they could afford long pants.
I want to particularly emphasize that the country's reserves have more than doubled since 1995 and the public debt has been reduced. The reason I want to particularly emphasize this is that it is one of the two biggest lies I'll be presenting in this Budget.
In the crucial area of health, this Government has broken new records. Not only has my Honourable Colleague, Dr. Hamza Rafeeq, smiled more than any previous Health Minister, but we have also achieved a world record for the longest nurses strike.
Enough said about that. I turn now to education. Five years ago, Mr. Speaker, the old educational system was sending thousands of children from primary school into the streets instead of to secondary schools. This Government did the same thing for four years. We weren't concerned about those 40,000 children before. But now it is an election year, so we have suddenly introduced universal secondary education. It is so universal that even children who can't read and write will get it. They will be taught to read and write by specially-trained teachers, whose training is so special that it took only two weeks to get. But none of that matters. All that matters is that the Prime Minister will have a good election slogan.
I come now, Mr. Speaker, to my other big lie, which is a lie of omission. In this area, I won't mention that this Government plans to give itself a 50 percent pay increase.
Oops.
Anyway, never mind, Mr. Speaker. We don't expect the dotish media to discover where we have hidden these allocations, because the Honourable Minister for Tobago Affairs says that all journalists illiterate. And, even if somebody tell them, we already plan to say we just allocate it in case we grant it but we don't have any intention to grant it.
You see, Mr. Speaker, this Budget is about Ripping Off Trinidad And Tobago For A Better Future For UNC Financiers, Friends And Family. The people have come too far to get the country out of debt now. I wouldn't beg to move, because I don't have to beg. In fact, even my great-great-grandchildren will never have to lift a finger. Thank you.
Copyright©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh