08 December 2000, 797 words
As a responsible journalist, I felt that in this election season I should interview all the UNC candidates and sum up their ideas and opinions in this space. But, as a responsible journalist, I also felt that I shouldn't be publishing damn lies in this space. I have therefore compromised by making up my own interview: the candidate is a lie, but his responses are all true.
Q. What do you think qualifies you to be a candidate in this election?A. The party leader is my mother nephew second cousin, on my father side.
Q. Any other qualifications?
A. Of course. I have also made a substantial financial contribution to the party.
Q: Why have you decided to offer yourself as a candidate in this election?
A: Because I want to serve my country.
Q: How do you plan to serve your country?
A: With oil and a light sugar garnish, plus a side order of Indian rice.
Q. Who do you plan to serve the country to?
A. Whoever could pay the best price. Local or foreign, black or white, Indian or African. I ent no bigot.
Q. So you don't believe in racial politics?
A. Of COURSE I believe in it. Best way to get elected, except in them damn marginal seats.
Q. You're against vote-padding, then?
A. In certain situations.
Q. Such as?
A. Not padding enough.
Q. Any other objections?
A. Getting catch.
Q. Any other problems with vote-padding?
A. Definitely. I have a serious problem when the other side do it.
Q. What can your constituents expect from you if you are elected?
A. The usual. To get their roads paved every five years.
Q. Anything else?
A. Well, of course they will get other things. But only what everybody else in the country get, and that up to the Minister of Finance and Works and the PM. I only there for show, really, and to keep my trap shut.
Q. So you don't have any opinions on the pressing issues facing the electorate?
A. I have a strong opinion on every pressing issue. You could read them in the party manifesto.
Q. What do you think about hanging?
A. Plants or people?
Q. Convicted criminals.
A. I think hanging people is the cheapest and most effective way for a Government to look like it fighting crime. Especially if you don't have a trial or at least abolish appeals, because then you could hang a few journalists too. Then the country would look like it have no crime at all and people would feel safe.
Q. What are your views on education?
A. I think education is good, once you don't go too far. Moderation in all things is good. When people learn about things like democracy and civil rights and the Constitution, that kind of over-education does cause trouble. That is why you have to put children in secondary school before they finish primary school.
Q. Do you believe in corporal punishment?
A. Damn right! Coporal punishment, sergeant punishment, whip the blasted Commissioner too! Police too damn uneducated, or else they would know better than to be searching Minister house and arresting loyal supporters.
Q. What's the first thing you plan to do if you are elected to the House of Representatives?
A. Buy an expensive car tax-free and sell it later for a fat profit. Same as everybody else.
Q. Well, what's your major goal if you become an MP?
A. To try not to remain a MP alone. You have to be a Minister to get the really big bucks.
Q. What do you think are some of the main things you can do as a Minister that you couldn't do otherwise?
A. Cut ribbon and open stand-pipe and turn sod.
Q. Besides all that, what do you intend to do if you become a Minister?
A. Get some big projects going, naturally.
Q. What kind of projects?
A. I just tell you. BIG projects. The kind that have plenty kickback.
Q. Any other goals if you become a Minister?
A. Of course, of course. I not interested in big projects alone. It have small contracts, too. The bribes for them could add up to a good bit by the end of five years. And my constituents should know I wouldn't refuse their few dollars, either, to build drain or fill pothole. Cause I have to build myself a nice house before I leave politics. Nice car, nice home, enough money in the bank to never work again.
Q. So your goal is to be set for life after five years in office?
A. Exactly. And then to try for another five so I could set up my great-grandchildren, too.
Copyright©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh