Conspiracy Theories, T&T Style

11 February 2000, 835 words

According to Prime Minister Basdeo Panday, there is a vast conspiracy to unseat the UNC government. My question is, why wasn't I invited to it? I would have brought the dip.

It's not that I consider myself a significant player in the political affairs of Trinidad and Tobago. It's just that conspiring would be good for my sex life. Women like men with an air of mystery, and I look good in dark shades and a raincoat.

I admit, though, that I lack the dedication to be a really good conspirator. The kind of commitment displayed by Lance-Corporal Anthony Caesar, who shot his commanding officer Noel Penco and outside woman Heather Wiltshire at the PM's residence, I just don't have. At the time, the media portrayed Caesar as a man torn up by jealousy and frustration. It is now clear, however, that his murder-suicide was really aimed at embarrassing Mr. Panday.

In fact, this vast conspiracy to unseat the UNC government may be even vaster than Mr. Panday realizes. Some of the people he most trusts could be part of it. I would advise him to take a very hard look at, for example, Carlos John. And unlikely suspect, you say, but think about it for a moment.

John is a senior man in one of the biggest conglomerates in the country. He is noted for his business acumen and efficiency. Yet this is the same man who oversaw the Ms. Universe fiasco, which cost Trinidad and Tobago over $50 million (and that's according to Trade Minister Mervyn Assam, whose sincerity is such that one is automatically tempted to triple that figure). John was also responsible for the Savannah paving which cost the Government a further four million dollars, and vastly more in goodwill.

My question is: Could a man of John's known competence really have made such incredible miscalculations? Isn't it more likely that he is a key agent in the vast conspiracy to unseat the UNC government? I do not say it is so. I am merely asking what seems to me to be relevant questions.

I would also advise Mr. Panday to watch Jack Warner cut-eye. Sure, Warner has come out backing Mr. Panday to the hilt, but that very hilt may soon end up in his back. Mr. Panday should take note of the stony silence which greeted his "Now I know what it is like to be a football" joke at the Joe Public awards. If Mr. Warner was a truly committed supporter, would he not have instructed his club members to laugh heartily at Mr. Panday's jokes? (As for the booing at the UWI fete two weeks ago, that was probably also part of the vast conspiracy to unseat the UNC government. Selwyn Ryan was very likely part of the organizing committee.)

And what about Mr. Panday's shortpants friend who heads INNCogen? That company was given a power generation licence as part of a project to set up manufacturing companies for glass, paper and a few other things. So there they are generating power which TTEC has to buy for 30 years whether it needs it or not, and nary a sign of companies, jobs, or even sponsorship for a small-goal side. Such goings-on make the UNC vulnerable to accusations of corruption, which is what got the PNM kicked out in1986. Mr. Panday might be well-advised to look keenly even at UNC financier Ish Galbaransingh, whose insatiable hunger for contracts recalls Steve Ferguson's pitbulls' appetite for Rastafarians.

But it is not only the high, but also the low who may be involved in this vast conspiracy to unseat the UNC government. The UNC fought the last General Election on a platform to battle crime. Yet there went UNC councillor Hansraj Sumairsingh getting himself killed in suspicious cicrcumstances. And he waited till an election year to do it too!

Moreover, hardly a week passes without some man killing his spouse. Despite widespread public campaigns to stop domestic violence, these killings continue to occur. It may well be that these campaigns have failed because the murders are not domestic, but political - in other words, part of the vast conspiracy to unseat the UNC government.

I need not say even a word about the street protests. These people might not not really be concerned about bad roads, or a regular water supply, or land slippage, or their children's schools. They could well be part of the vast conspiracy to unseat the UNC government. After all, many of the protesters are of East Indian descent. Would they really be protesting against the UNC regime unless they were being well-paid to do so?

And finally, consider the fact that this country has experienced some of its worse floods since the UNC came into power. What more proof do you need? Even God is part of the vast conspiracy to unseat the UNC government! And that probably explains why I don't know anything about it: I'm agnostic. 

Copyright©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh