May 19 2000, 828 words
The manifesto of a political party is essentially a list of promises to the electorate. A manifesto is therefore only a waste of trees, given that the paper it is printed on is usually not even soft enough to use in the latrine. The following column, while also a waste of pulp, is a manifesto based on the UNC regime's political policies as seen in action.
Introduction: As a political party, we have one credo: to attain and retain power by any means necessary. We shall accomplish this by appealing to tribal instincts, controlling the media, advertising plenty, and selling Ministerial and State Board posts to anybody who can afford it. We shall also hire former insurgents as bodyguards since everyone in the Opposition PNM is bigger than we are. Otherwise, we shall adopt all their policies. Effective governance shall be confined to paving enough roads and opening enough stand-pipes to convince people we are actually running the country efficiently. But we shall not do too much of this in areas of traditional support since, like the PNM before us, we can depend on people to vote race.
Crime: We shall buy new vehicles for the Police, with matching radios. This is to make sure no criminals can easily escape, once they are on foot or driving cheap cars. However, we shall also ensure that no Minister shall be convicted with misbehaving in public office, even if they send notes to Town and Country to allow illegal buildings or even if they slap a police officer who charges them with reckless driving. We shall also ensure that nobody from a major insurance company is charged for any crime, even if they get buildings bought by Government over market value, pave savannahs illegally, or even if their pitbulls kill someone.
Part of our crime strategy will be to ensure that any party members who try to expose bobol in the party shall be threatened, killed, and, after dying, be accused of corruption themselves. Our goal is to drive all people of principle out of the party and to ensure that, in the unlikely event any remain, they shall keep their mouths shut and don't embarrass us.
Employment: This Government shall ensure that all its party financiers shall be gainfully employed with many Government contracts, even if doing so means the projects cost three times what they should. Party activists who already have money shall be given positions on State Boards. They will give jobs to family and friends if they want. If it also happens that jobs trickle down to people who really need them, that shall be okay.
Education: We will make prayer mandatory in schools.
Health: As many Government Ministers as possible shall have heart attacks. All the rest will have diabetes. High blood pressure, kidney problems and balding are optional. Any necessary operations will be performed in other countries, since this will shame local nurses and doctors into being more efficient.
Sport: We shall give all athletes who win international gold medals (Olympic and World only) land, house and car. We shall also arrange public functions after they have broken world records to show how much we appreciate their accomplishments.
Culture: Whenever a cultural icon dies, we shall pay, or attempt to pay, for the funeral. We will also make speeches at said funeral. We shall not give the Trinidad Theatre Workshop a building, but we will spend hundreds of millions of dollars building new offices for Government Ministers and refurbishing Whitehall for the Prime Minister.
Environment: We shall set up an Environmental Management Agency, with relevant legislation. However, we shall ignore anything the Agency says, since the only purpose in creating an EMA is to access World Bank and other loans.
Information: We shall make every attempt to control the media. We shall do so by passing finely-titled legislation, such as The Equal Opportunities Bill. We shall also appoint people who want to use the State-owned media as a party propaganda machine as Heads of News. If necessary, the Prime Minister will personally call and cuss up editors.
A key strategy in our information policy will be to provide party supporters with rum. These supporters should call the media "faggots" and pelt them with bottles.
Office of the Prime Minister: The Prime Minister will be more pro-active in this Government than that of any previous administration. He will appoint many non-elected persons as Ministers, once they have plenty money or make the regime seem non-racial. He shall call editors racist and media-owners who don't also own malls pseudo-racists. He will snarl at reporters. He shall accuse all critics of being racists and threaten to scathe them. He shall declare intellectuals and the Chief Justice to be enemies. He shall play golf and make many overseas trips.
Copyright©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh