June 2 2000, 828 words
I had planned this week to write about the Equal Opportunities Bill - specifically, its denial of equal opportunities for homosexuals. I had intended to quote feminist writer Gloria Steinem, who wrote, "There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or vagina."
But then I realized that the words "penis" or "vagina" might offend, insult or humiliate certain groups of people. They could offend the sexually uptight, which consists of large groups of fundamentalist Christians, Muslims and Hindus; or insult the sexually successful, which consists of the growing numbers of influential persons who owe their promotions solely to their vaginas; and humiliate the sexually envious, a politically important group whose penises play no significant part in their lives.
So that topic got nipped in the bud, because suppose the Bill became an Act on the same day my column was published? Before you could say "totalitarian dictatorship", I'd probably be hauled before the Equal Opportunities Tribunal and fined $20,000, which is the same as jail since I don't have $20,000. And there wouldn't be a sno-cone's chance in Hell that I'd found innocent, because obviously the only people who'd be chosen - or who would accept - a job on the Equal Opportunities Tribunal would be people who fell into one of the three categories listed above. So my derriere would be chlorophyll, to use the kind of euphemism I'll have to practise regularly if the Bill becomes law.
Indeed, if this Bill becomes law, there are many other practices I'll have to unpractise. Clause Seven also bans any public act intended to incite religious hatred, and it is my practice to try and incite, if not religious hatred, at least religious dislike. Mind you, I am very much an Equal Opportunity inciter: I think all religions equally wrong, harmful and foolish.
I wonder, though, if I'd be able to charge the Catholic Church, ASJA and the Maha Sabha for inciting my own dislike of religion? After all, I fall into the category of person who is offended every time I hear that condoms are sinful, that writers deserve death for their opinions, and that the human species didn't originate in Africa. But I guess that's too much to hope for: the tribunal might not consider my offence "reasonably likely", since reason isn't going to be defined by people like me.
If this Bill becomes law, I'll also have to practise not insulting the Maha Sabha columnists. (In fact, I'd better start practising now, because insulting them has become a reflex with me, like vomiting if you stick your finger down your throat or open your Monday Express unexpectedly to Page 9.) After discussing the homosexuals, I had been planning to write that this Bill might actually shut up the Maha Sabha faster than any other group.
I had been planning to explain that, although the Maha Sabha columnists believe that people dislike them because they do not fit the stereotypical image of Indians in Trinidad, the fact is that people don't like them for exactly the opposite reason: because they fit the bigots' stereotype to a T, being liars, racial, backward and illiberal.
This is why, if the Bill passes, the Express certainly couldn't carry any of their columns or letters. After all, every one of them has, at some point or another, offended or insulted Black people, plain Trinidadians, and Muslims; and they've certainly incited the evangelical Christians.
Yet the Maha Sabha is the only organization in the country which supports the Bill. And I feel they must be doing this because they think that the tribunal will be made up of persons sympathetic to them. And they may be right. Which is why I won't write a word against them. My gluteus maximus is too cute for prison.
And there are some other topics I'll have to pen in my pen on. I'll have to stop writing against capital punishment, for example, since the Bible, Manu Samhita and Qu'ran support it and Clause Seven bans any criticism of religious beliefs. I'll have to stop campaigning against 12- and 14-year-old girls being married, on the same basis. And I think I'd better stop writing on scientific and literary topics: I learned only recently that I already offend stupid people and, since the Bill bans offence on the basis of origin, these people could probably charge me on the basis that they were born that way.
Yep. This Bill protects just about everyone from discrimination except homosexuals, intellectuals, and people who can laugh at themselves. And, in Trinidad and Tobago, these groups have always been small, and are getting tinier daily. It won't be long before the only thing that'll save them from extinction is putting them on the Endangered Species list. On the other hand, if the UNC remains in power, they are more likely to be declared legal game even outside the hunting season.
Copyright©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh