6 October 2000, 897 words
The media are frequently taken to task by politicians for sensationalising events, giving wrong information, and not treating with important issues.
Of course, given that Prime Minister Basdeo Panday felt that newspaper reports of the murder-suicide at his official residence was sensationalism; and given that wrong information is any documented revelations about the airport expansion project; and given that politicians define as an important issue their cutting a ribbon on a stand-pipe - well, suffice to say that journalists generally feel quite blasé about the criticisms of politicians.
Sometimes, though, even politicians can have a point. And I, for one, am quite disturbed about the manner in which the media have treated Trade Minister Mervyn Assam's startling revelation two weeks ago. In Parliament, Minister Assam, one of our merrier politicians, revealed that Amnesty International had a nefarious agenda aimed at Third World countries. "They want to turn us into homosexuals!" he declared. "That's a fact!"
In other words, Amnesty International, in tandem with the European Union, is planning genocide against Third World peoples! After all, if all of us become homosexuals, our reproduction rates will obviously drop drastically and we'll eventually become extinct.
How, you are no doubt wondering, did Mr. Assam, whose happy attitude is often remarked upon, uncover this evil plot? I was unable to contact the Honourable Minister, perhaps because I didn't try. But it is not too hard to deduce how he may have discovered Amnesty's and the EU's hidden designs against our nation.
Mr. Assam, a blithe spirit, is after all the Minister of Trade. As such, he frequently rubs shoulders with European officials at cocktail parties. No doubt at one of these cocktail rubbings, an official exposed all to Mr. Assam, who is noted for his debonair demeanour. But why, you are no doubt wondering, would an official of Amnesty or the European Union blow such a well-hidden conspiracy to the Trinidadian Trade Minister?
I do not think we should be surprised that Mr. Assam should have found himself privy to this explosive information. Mr. Assam, you must remember, has that rare gift of being all things to all men. His habitual expression suggests to the average observer that he is a perky man. This naturally gets him perks. Plus, his mid/trans-Atlantic/London/New York/West Moorings mode of speech ensures that everyone feels as though they are speaking to a fellow countryman (well, everyone except Trinidadians but, as Trade Minister, Mr. Assam doesn't have to deal with us).
Nor must we forget his body language, which reveals the inner man just as eloquently as does his verbal virtuosity. His often flamboyant gestures show a man who is inherently gleeful. And his always uptilted head puts at ease both Wall Street millionaires, who would quickly drown if they ever walked in the rain without an umbrella, and common farmers, who see him as a man used to smelling pigshit. Most importantly, Mr. Assam's owlish habit of holding his body one way and his head the next makes everyone feel that he's paying attention to them, even if they're standing in a circle.
Is it any wonder, then, that some official, seeing this charismatic man holding forth at some exotic function, would have felt him a man for all seasons? And, feeling him so, is it then any wonder that said official would have felt a stabbing guilt at the thought that such a jocular man was a citizen of one of those Third World nations his organization planned to homosexualise? I think not!
One can easily understand how this official, taken with Mr. Assam's natural vivacity, would have revealed to him intimate details about how the EU was planning to shaft us and, having eased his stabbing, walked away satisfied.
But why would Mr. Assam, whose cheery manner is a byword, have believed what he was told? I do not think he immediately did. Obviously, he must have done a thorough investigation and devoted considerable thought to the issue before making his findings known to Parliament. For instance, his main evidence that the Europeans want to homosexualise us is that they want to lower the age of consent for homosexual relations to 16.
Lesser minds like mine always thought this was because it was discriminatory to have the heterosexual age of consent at 16 and the homosexual one at 18 or 21. But Mr. Assam, whose joyousness is unique in local or international politics, saw right through that ploy. You may wonder, too, how come the European countries which have legalized homosexuality have avoided homosexualising their citizens. The answer is, they haven't.
After all, it is a fact that most European countries have a negative population growth. Clearly, all those studies which show that homosexuals form only 2-4 percent of any given population are all part of this giant conspiracy. So, too, are all those supposedly heterosexual European people who get married or live together.
Amnesty and the EU are therefore far worse than the Nazis, who mainly wanted to eradicate Jews but, on the other hand, also sent many homosexuals to the death camps. Mervyn Assam should be given a national award for warning the people of Trinidad and Tobago about this dastardly scheme to homosexualise us. In fact, I think they should invent a new award just for him. How about the Trinity Bull?
Copyright©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh