The UNC Declaration of Human Rights

July 7 2000, 798 words

Preamble

Whereas recognition of the inherent dignity and of the equal and inalienable rights of all members of the human family is the foundation of freedom, justice and peace in the world, we hereby appoint a Commission of Enquiry headed by foreigners to:-

  1. strip away any pretence of dignity;
  2. help diminish respect for judges and justice; and
  3. just generally cause bacchanal

Whereas it is essential that human rights should be protected by the rule of law, we hereby:-

  1. remove this country for all international human rights bodies without approval from Parliament;
  2. by a simple majority instead of the required two-thirds, pass laws which contradict the Constitution; and
  3. drive on the shoulder of the highway.

Whereas the people of Trinidad and Tobago have affirmed their disbelief in fundamental human rights, in the dignity and worth of the human person and in the equal rights of men and women, by:-

  1. enthusiastically supporting capital punishment;
  2. voting by hair;
  3. playing in Poison when 30 pounds overweight;

the UNC now therefore proclaims the following

Articles

  1. All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights, but rich people, fair-skinned people and persons with pull-string have more rights than poor, dark-skinned people without twine.
  2. Everyone has the right to life, liberty and security of person, once you don't write letters to the Prime Minister about corruption in the URP.
  3. No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment, except reporters covering Parliament when Mervyn Assam is speaking.
  4. Everyone has the right to rest and leisure, especially politicians on Friday in Parliament.
  5. Everyone has the right to a nationality, but we prefer people to call themselves African and Indian since as long as that obtains they will never vote on issues.
  6. No one shall be subject to arbitrary arrest, detention or exile, except street children and Julian Rogers.

    1. Men and women of full age, without any limitation due to race, nationality or religion, have the right to marry and to found a family. But all Indocentrists reserve the right to throw out any son or daughter who marries a Black person and to disown any dougla grandchildren.
    2. Marriage shall be entered into only with the full and free consent of the intending spouses, but not if you are a Hindu or Muslim who prefers to arrange marriages and who retain the right to marry 14- or 12-year-old girls, respectively.
  7. Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression, but be prepared to pay hefty fines to the Clause Seven Tribunal if you actually use this right.

    1. Everyone has the right to freedom of thought, religion and conscience, but under Clause Seven can enjoy these rights only at home and under their breath;
    2. This right includes freedom to change religion or belief but, under Clause Seven, not through criticizing other religions save in the most respectful manner.

  8. Everyone has the right to an effective remedy by the competent national tribunals for acts violating the fundamental rights granted him by the Constitution or by law, unless the right is freedom of expression and the tribunal is the one appointed under Clause Seven.
  9. Everyone has the right to take part in the government of his country, especially if you can contribute a few millions to the party coffers.
  10. Everyone has the right to equal pay for equal work and, if you know the Prime Minister or have made hefty contributions to the party, superior pay for inferior work.
  11. Everyone has the right to work but, if you have strong ethical principles, not for NIPDEC, NP, TIDCO or INNCogen.
  12. Everyone has the right to freedom of peaceful assembly and association, once you get written permission two days in advance and are prepared to pay a hefty fine for departing from your stated purpose.
  13. Everyone has the right to form and join trade unions for the protection of his interests, but unions dominated by one ethnic group must support the Government even against their workers' interests.

    1. Everyone has the right to education, but we shall put in vikey-vie plans for standardised textbooks and new 11-plus exams in order to ensure the populace doesn't get too bright and demand good government.
    2. Education shall be directed to the full development of the human personality. This shall be accomplished by compulsory prayer in all schools.

Parents have a prior right to choose the kind of education that shall be given to their children, unless the parents don't believe in religion, corporal punishment and private lessons. 

Copyright©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh