15 November 2001, 802 words
There are only two things I'm really good at, and neither one of them will ever make me rich. The thing I'm best at is writing, but to write really well you have to be committed to telling truth. And the truth never earns big bucks unless, of course, you sleep with somebody famous and sell the story to the National Enquirer.
However, most of the time, the only way to write and make real money is to do public relations. And, what with Christmas coming up and all, I'm really peeved that Lloyd Cartar will be able to get his girlfriend diamond jewelry while I, at best, will be able to offer only a charm bracelet and my naturally curly hair. And, frankly, few women are impressed by a full head of hair that isn't backed up by a full wallet.
I'm tired of it. It gets onerous to have to restrain myself financially when I find a really good pair of running shoes or a really bad single woman. I have therefore decided to offer my writing skills to the UNC, since they'll be shelling out money like peas in the upcoming election campaign. As for my other skill, well, there's no woman in the UNC who could raise that ante.
Dear Basdeo Panday-I wish to offer my services as a professional writer. My fee is, I think, is quite reasonable: a mere 0.0001 percent of whatever TTEC has to pay Inncogen for the next 25 years. And, unlike TTEC, you really need my services.
What I propose is that I use my newspaper column to defend your administration until December 10. The Express gives columnists complete freedom, short of libel, to say whatever they want. In fact, I'm rather surprised - and, frankly, a little insulted - that nobody from the UNC has ever tried to bribe me. With my reputation for logical argument and my skilful use of commas, I can provide you with original and effective responses to some of the scandals now bedeviling your government. Samples provided below.
1. "Minister Lindsay Gillette is a devout Roman Catholic who not only goes to church every Sunday, but has seven children. Many Catholics use birth control, but Minister Gillette is a devout Catholic and would never sin in that way. If he was not a devout Catholic I am sure that some priest would have already have taken him to task for not acting ethically while in Government. Ergo, Mr. Gillette has acted ethically."Indeed, when asked about the granting of the cellular licence, Gillette made it clear that he had tapped then Attorney General Ramesh Lawrence Maharaj on the shoulder and asked him if this was all right. That just shows how ethical Minister Gillette is, for there are many countries where a Minister would not even have bothered to tap. The fact that Mr. Maharaj denies ever being tapped on the shoulder is of no consequence, for Mr. Maharaj is a lawyer: he was probably tapped on the arm."
2. "Inncogen's general manager David Perry says that Prime Minister Basdeo Panday knew that no plants were to be built by Innercob as part of the Inncogen deal. But how does Mr. Perry know that Mr. Panday didn't know? It is an old philosophical question: if one person can truly know what is in another's mind. Telepathy has never been proven, though appliances always seem to fail when their owners have gotten a cash bonus."Even if Mr. Perry did tell Mr. Panday and Ganga Singh that no plants were to be built, maybe they misunderstood. I doubt that Mr. Perry would deny that he is American, so the cultural differences between devout Hindus like Mr. Panday and Mr. Singh could easily have led to a genuine misunderstanding. After all, for Mr. Perry, coming from an industrialised society, a plant means a factory. For Mr. Panday and Mr. Singh, coming from a rural background, a plant means something with leaves and a stem. So this whole issue could well be resolved by planting some anthuriums. "
3. "Loyalty to one's friends is considered a most laudable attribute. From a purely moral point of view, therefore, Prime Minister Basdeo Panday should therefore be commended for standing steadfastly by Dr. Tim Gopeesingh who, as he correctly pointed out, is innocent until proven guilty. Dr. Gopeesingh, a gynaecologist, has himself said, 'My hands are clean.'"Mr. Panday' s support of Roodal Moonilal and Mervyn Assam, this country's two most pompous politicians, also displays his commitment to human life. After all, without Ministerial salaries, consultancies and official meals, both Moonilal and Assam would clearly be in great danger of starving to death."
This concludes my pitch. I do hope I hear from you before the Treasury runs dry.
Sincerely,
Kevin Baldeosingh
Copyright©2001 Kevin Baldeosingh