Political recipes

23 May 2002, 848 words

Some people, most of whom weigh over 200 pounds, consider cooking to be an art. It is true that cooking, like art, is often a means of self-expression, especially if you eat beans. Unfortunately, we in Trinidad and Tobago tend to ignore the deeper aspects of life and eat merely in order to enjoy ourselves. But, historically, food has often been a means of transforming society, as when Marie Antoinette advised starving peasants to eat cake. This helped spark off the French Revolution, whose values were Liberté, Fraternité, Egalité, and cordon bleu. Here is just a small sample of recipes which influence this country's politics.

Manning Oil Down. The ingredients for this traditional African dish include one breadfruit, which must be blessed before being peeled and seeded. You will also need a1/2 lb of salted pigtail, which must be cut into two-inch pieces in order to avoid insecurity, since the boy working better than ever. Bless this too.

You will also require 1 hot green pepper, which is also a euphemism for the kind of young woman who gets a clerical job in the party even if she can't figure out the alphabetical filing system; 1 onion chopped small as a warning to ambitious politicians like Keith Rowley; and 2 cloves of garlic crushed like democracy in an 18-18 tie. Bless them all.

The salted pigtail must be boiled in water until it is approximately as soft as Manning's brain. The water must then be discarded like jhandis at the Prime Minister's residence. Add breadfruit to boiled pigtail and cover with 1 cup holy water. Add two cups of coconut water, these two cup of course having been carefully selected from a truckload of coconuts picked and brought fresh from Manzanilla. Make sure the truck and each coconut has been blessed and hire the relative of a Government Minister to provide security. Add chive, onions, chadon bene, garlic and green pepper, and bless them. Hire a PNM supporter as a smell and taste consultant. Boil until the liquid has boiled down and the breadfruit is as soft as the car loans for Government Ministers.

The final ingredients needed will be 2 Mercedes Benz, 1 Patrol jeep, and 2 motorcycles with police officers to transport the meal down to San Fernando.

Panday Garam Masala. You will need 6 tbsp. coriander seeds, 5 tbsp. whole grain geera seeds, 3 tsp. elaichi seeds. Use a pseudo-English accent to pronounce all these names. You will also need 1 1/2 tsp. cloves, 4 pieces cinnamon sticks, and 1 nutmeg. You can buy these ingredients at the usual price using your secret foreign bank account, or you can pay ten times the normal cost with taxpayers' dollars. You will also need 1 1/2 tbsp. whole grain black pepper, which you must pretend to like since without it you will not win the election.

Roast the spices separately, as if they belong to different castes. Grind the ingredients separately to please Indian voters, but then mix them all together so you get a lot of financing and a few Creole votes. Grate nutmeg and add to mixture, so the whole dish tastes as nutty as Panday's rhetoric.

Hazel's Coo-Coo. For this succulent and fattening dish, you will require 2 cups coconut milk, milked from the best cows. You will also need 4-6 medium-sized ochros. Buy a truckload of ochros and a pair of callipers so you can measure what size what a medium-sized one is.

Combine the milk, salt, margarine and ochros in heavy-bottomed saucepan. In order to estimate what heavy is, invite member of PNM's FAB while cooking. Add cornmeal 1/3 at a time, making sure you hire a Maths tutor to estimate the correct fraction. Whisk until thoroughly mixed in, like a PNM housing scheme in Central Trinidad. Cook on low heat for 10-15 minutes stirring occasionally, just like Hazel does her job at the Education Ministry.

Oma's Spiced Lamb Curry. You will need boneless lamb, which is most easily obtained by killing UNC MPs. Also onions, almonds, oil, cumin seeds, cinnamon, chilli powder, bay leaf, coriander and black peppercorn and black cardamom, these last two being mere dressing. Buy ten times more than you need at three times the normal prices, billing taxpayers. Eat as much as you can and, if there are any poor people around, feed the dogs instead.

Roast Turkey. This traditional Xmas recipe can - and is - used by any practising politician. You will need 1 large turkey, or about two-thirds of the voting populace. In case of bird, wash turkey and wipe dry; in case of populace, brainwash and wipe their pockets clean. Fill neck cavity of bird with stuffing, stuff head cavity of electorate with empty promises. With bird, fold over skin and skewer closed; with citizens, fold over wallets and skewer them right up the you-know-what. Place turkey in roasting pan, roast at medium low temperature; voters should be placed in monkey-pants and roasted until the next election.