29 March 2002, 860 words
"What would Jesus do?" Christian preachers often tell their followers to ask themselves this question when faced with difficult moral questions, like whether a couple should wait until marriage before trying a position other than the missionary one.
Now since he was selected as Prime Minister, Patrick Manning has been emphasising his born-again status, making sure to visit every revival meeting where God demonstrates His divine favour by making large deposits into the evangelists' bank accounts. And, on this Easter weekend, I find myself wondering how Mr. Manning would have behaved had he faced the challenges of Jesus of Nazareth. My speculation begins in Chapter 10 of the Gospel according to St. Baldeosingh.
1.And when Patrick had called unto him his Thirty Ministers, he granted them salary increases and gave them fountain pens with platinum nibs so that when they signed cheques their signatures would look really, really official in case anyone said, Lo, there are but eighteen seats and there is no Parliament; how then can ye disburse funds and get fat paycheques, eh? And for these boons the Gang of Thirty did commend unto Patrick their eternal souls.2. These disciples Patrick sent forth and commanded them, Go not into the way of the Hindus, ladies and gentlemen, for they will not vote for us anyway, and into any village of Central or deep South enter ye not: but go rather to the lost sheep of Laventy and Morvant and as ye go, preach, saying, The kingdom of URP is at hand!
3. Heal the sick, cleanse sin, raise the dead, cast out State boards.
4. And Imbert did find $40 million to give the doctors that they might buy the latest model BMW with the cool sun roof. And Chin Lee did send a serpent against poor, black people that they might turn rich and light-skinned and go forth and sin no more. And Patrick himself raised the dead; and their names were Julien and Cutty and Lenny.
5. And Ken Emrith was relieved of his post; and complained that he was not a political appointee; and there was much laughter throughout the land.
6. Behold, I send ye forth as wolves in the midst of sheep: be ye therefore as wise as serpents and greedy as pigs. And so the Ministers did buy expensive cars with their low-interest loans and got free toasters with their purchases.
7. And when Patrick was come into the PM's office, the political pundits hastened unto him and said, By what authority doest thou these things? And Patrick said, I doest what I do by the President's fiat, for God did speak through him.
8. And the pundits said, Verily, that was but gas; and Patrick answered and said unto them, Mayhap, yet still am I riding in two Mercedes Benzs, one to go and the other to come.
9. Yet did the pundits grumble and Patrick asked, What is thy problem, gentlemen? And the pundits answered, Yet wouldst thou make eighteen more than eighteen; more importantly, why hast thou hast not invited us to partake in champagne and caviar and those little sausages on a toothpick?
10. And Patrick said, Dost thou deny the President? Did God not grant him a vision and remove his glaucoma and say, Behold the Lamb of God; and the pundits unsheathed their knives and forks and cried, Lead us to it!
11. And the lamb, cooked rare and seasoned with myrrh and frankincense and bird pepper, was indeed of heavenly succulence.
12. And all belched and were well content.
13. Then did Patrick speak a parable but forgot the punchline; but the Gang of Thirty laughed like hyenas anyway.
14. And the parable Patrick spake was as follows: Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps and went forth to meet the bridegrooms. And five of them were wise and five of them were foolish but all of them were ugly, hence their virgin state.
15. And so they that took their lamps saw their grooms mumble and say they had forgotten a pressing appointment and flee the church as if afflicted with gripe; whereas the ones that remained in the dark proved that love is blind and makes many grunting sounds and calleth Oh God.
16. And this parable showeth that it is best to stay in the dark than to pay electricity bills.
17. And the Gang of Thirty came to Patrick and said, There are those who would crucify thee, for thou art doing ta-ta.
18. And Patrick said, Keith betrayest thou the Father of the Nation with a kiss? And Keith said, Eh eh, I not in that!
19. And when asked if he would let himself be crucified to save the nation, Patrick said, I would do anything to save the nation; but I have an appointment to butter my cheeks.
20. And the PNM disciples were well pleased with this answer and said, Better the Devil you knoweth not than the Devil you knoweth; and, besides, these platinum pens writing so nice.
Copyright ©2002 Kevin Baldeosingh