19 June 2003, 852 words
Every week, in the Woman supplement of the Sunday Express, a "personality" gets asked the same 20 questions. Usually, though not always, the subject is someone who's done something important enough to get noticed, but not important enough to actually accomplish anything important. And I wondered what the responses might be if this list of questions was put to the really significant people in the country, such as politicians and demagogues and criminals (but I repeat myself).
However, even as this thought occurred to me, I decided it would be best if, instead of actually calling these persons for answers, I just made up their responses. I had two reasons for this decision: first, my made-up replies would be far more accurate than their actual ones; and, second and more importantly, it would be a lot less work.
Here, then, are the results.
1. Your greatest joy?
Abu Bakr: Attempting coups.
Basdeo Panday: Badtalking the media &endash; in fact, just badtalking.
Patrick Manning: Using big words, like "sociological" and "internecine".
2. Your secret fear?
Bakr: Failing in a coup.
Panday: Smart journalists, so I am never fearful.
Manning: That somebody might realise I don't know what these words mean.
3. The best advice you ever received and from whom?
Bakr: "Worship Allah". My horse, after he kicked me in the head.
Panday: "Always do the opposite of what you say and say the opposite of what you do." Someone I slept with to get the PNM out of power.
Manning: "Don't think, just pray. It pays better." I think it was an Angel of the Lord who appeared to me in a dream, but it might have been Benny Hinn.
4. Your most embarrassing moment?
Bakr: I have never done anything to be embarrassed about.
Panday: I can never remember them, so I'm never embarrassed by them.
Manning: I am never embarrassed since I have no shame.
5. Your happiest moment?
Bakr: When I took over TTT &endash; I looked really macho on camera.
Panday: When I first went in for heart surgery and the doctors discovered I had one.
Manning: When I had surgery in Cuba and found the boy working better than ever.
6. The biggest turn on in a woman?
Bakr: A hijab and high heels.
Panday: The ability to climb a ladder in high heels.
Manning: Worshipping the ground I walk on in high heels. Her I mean, not me. I don't wear high heels.
7. The biggest turn off?
Bakr: Refusing to be one of my wives.
Panday: I have never turned off women.
Manning: Intelligence, principles, independence &endash; anything that disqualifies her from being the Education Minister.
8. The part of your body you like most?
Bakr: My trigger finger.
Panday: My bile duct, which continues to serve me well.
Manning: My balisier tie-pin.
9. The body part you would change if given the chance?
Bakr: My brain, which just takes up space.
Panday: My tongue, which costs me a lot paying for lies, half-truths and innuendoes.
Manning: My spectacles, because they make me look too intelligent.
10. The best book you ever read?
Bakr: The Quranic Guide to Jihad.
Panday: Alienation and How to Make it Work for You.
Manning: Uhh…
11. On a second chance, what would be your dream profession?
Bakr: A drain inspector.
Panday: Benevolent dictator. Or maybe just a dictator.
Manning: I would have liked to be the Saviour, without the crucifixion.
12. The thing most people do not know about you?
Bakr: That I wear cast-iron jockey shorts.
Panday: That I don't like rum, but I love ice.
Manning: That I am not as smart as I look.
13. Your pet peeve?
Bakr: Men who badtalk me and live.
Panday: Rum without ice.
Manning: People who confront me with facts and logic.
14. Your favourite food?
Bakr: Roast pork, but it must be halal.
Panday: Pepper sauce, bitters, and Johnny Walker Blue. With ice.
Manning: Humble pie, when other people are eating it.
15. The woman you most admire, apart from your mother or spouse?
Bakr: All the women I admire are my wives.
Panday: I admire all women, except those Indian ones in the PNM.
Manning: Oprah Winfrey, or any woman who can help me pay off my debts.
16. Your secret personality weapon?
Bakr: Threatening anyone who doesn't do what I say.
Panday: Rolling my r's so people will think I'm sophisticated.
Manning: Putting the phrase "Ladies and gentlemen" into every sentence.
17. Your personal credo?
Bakr: Praise Allah and shoot to kill.
Panday: Never get drunk in a strange place &endash; be familiar with everywhere.
Manning: Trust in the Lord and run from your creditors.
18. Your irresistible temptation?
Bakr: Staging coups.
Panday: Making racial appeals.
Manning: Evangelists with large bank accounts.
19. The one place you'd like to visit?
Bakr: A pig farm.
Panday: A torture dungeon, once I am accompanied by local journalists.
Manning: I like going everywhere, once the taxpayers are footing the bill.
20. Your most elusive goal?
Bakr: The deaths of everyone who has defied me.
Panday: A pleasant demeanour.
Manning: Actually, I don't play football.
Copyright ©2003 Kevin Baldeosingh