November 12 1999, 833 words
On the fifth day, God sat down in His celestial dining-room. He was tired and hungry and there was no one to bring Him food. And so the idea came to Him to create a creature who would serve Him faithfully and well.
"I will give Him hands," thought God, "so He can carry the dishes without dropping them."
But then God remembered that he had already made the monkey. And He realized He would have to give the creature brains so he could deliver the food without swinging from a tree. "For if I do not do this," God thought, "my meals shall surely be cold by the time they reach."
And so on the sixth day He set to work to invent a creature that would serve Him properly. At first, He created an evolved version of the reptiles with which He had already populated the Earth. But this did not work, since their tails often upset the dining-table. So God then used the mammalian blueprint, and this worked a little better, except that the mammals were always trying to lick God's face and eating His food.
So God decided to create an almost entirely new creature. He left in the reptilian and mammalian aspects but gave the creature some of His essence. The creature was thus able to reason and go to the privy. And God looked on His work and was well-pleased. And He decided to call the creature Man, because it was an easy name to remember and dog was already taken. And God made rules which Man, having reason, could understand.
"In order to serve Me, you must fast," said God to Man. "In order to love Me, you shall pray."
Thus, in one stroke God solved the problem of sharing His meals and face-licking. And God said to Himself, "Not bad."
But, after Man had been around for a few days, he started dropping the dishes. And, when He examined Man, God found that Man's back was weak and his wrist sore. And God clapped His hand to His forehead and quickly set about making Woman. For He had forgotten that He had given all His creatures lust that they might procreate and have fun doing it.
But after God had created Woman, His meals began coming late. And this was because, unlike other creatures, Man and Woman had reason, which allowed them to mate in any season. And, because mating was so much fun, they did it as frequently as possible. And God realized that, if He wanted His meals to be on time, He would have to lay down some strictures.
And He told Man and Woman, "Thou shalt not mate unless I say thou can." But this spoken law contradicted the natural law which God also had set down. And Man and Woman became confused and decided to ignore God. For one of the side effects of even a touch of divinity is free will.
But a hungry God is an angry God. And God cast out Man and Woman from Paradise and said, "Go forth and multiply." He knew they would do it anyway, you see, and wanted to sound like He was still in charge.
But in His haste to make Woman, God had given her the ability to have multiple orgasms. And this began to worry Man, who couldn't keep up. And Man said, "It is your fault we were cast out. Don't you ever get tired?"
And Woman said, "But you wanted it, too."
And Man said, "Not as much as you."
So Woman felt guilty about liking sex ever since and, in later times, many of her daughters were unable to have even one orgasm. So, in order to assuage her guilt, she agreed to cook for Man and to serve him his food, as she had once served God. And Man began to think of himself as a god and, while Woman cooked, he wrote religious books and made up all sorts of rules. And Woman was really impressed and, if she wasn't, Man beat her.
So Man smiled in his beard and was well satisfied that he would no longer have to prove himself to Woman. But, because he still felt the need to prove he was a man, he invented war. And,when enough men had been killed, Man invented laws allowing him to have several wives, as though one wasn't already too much for him to handle.
And God, who had since hired some good waiters, looked down upon the Earth one day and said, "So that is what they use their reason for?" And He saw how Man and Woman mated at all seasons still, but no longer enjoyed the gift of lust but merely used it. And God, remembering the laws of Nature and its harsh penalties for transgression, thought that He would continue dining until only the best of Man and Woman were left on the Earth.
Copyright © 1999 Kevin Baldeosingh