18 February 2000, 862 words
I don't think I could actually handle being God. To be sure, achieving omniscience is one of my goals in life, but I think if I were also omnipotent there'd be trouble. Not only would gorgeous women be very attracted to Me, since all such women are drawn to power, but I'd be able to have sex continuously. Bad combination. I probably wouldn't even remember to eat - food, I mean - although I suppose starvation could be avoided by incorporating lunch into the act. But would I remember to include all the major food groups?
There'd be other problems. If I were God, My sense of humour would almost certainly get in the way of My sense of responsibility. For example, wouldn't it be hilarious to create a species where the males were always willing to have sex but not always able, but where the females were only willing on occasion but able at any time?
It would make for a really good sitcom, I think, and of course God's sitcoms are what mortal creatures call Life. What would make the joke even better would be if I made the male physically stronger, so would be able to pretend that he was sexually more powerful than the female. The contradictions of his position would provide Me with eons of amusement, I think. I could even make it so the males would create all kinds of cultural mores to convince the female that their real sexual superiority was sinful, whereas the male's illusory sexual superiority was Me-ordained.
In fact, I might even deliberately exacerbate the situation for My own amusement. I can see Myself writing three or four Books, all of them contradicting one another, but insisting that each is the Word of Me. Wouldn't that cause real bacchanal? I can just see these different creatures - all created exactly the same, mind - squabbling over whether they should make images of me, pray on Sunday or Saturday, not eat this or that animal, or pray to Me before doing so, or do so only on certain days. Heh heh. Suppose they actually started killing one another over these details? That'd be so ridiculous I think I'd die laughing, except, of course, that if I were God I couldn't die.
I also think My scientific curiosity would get in the way of My being a good God. One experiment I know for sure I'd want to do would be to create a universe without any evidence of My existence. Every aspect of it would show evidence of design, since a lack of design would demonstrate that reality was being held together by My will alone. I'd then create a highly intelligent species, capable of logical thought, and see if they would invent Me or accept the lack of evidence before them. Would they take responsibility for their own good and evil, or would they posit a deterministic universe? (Wouldn't it be funny, though, if they did both - i.e. invented a God who was omnipotent but still insisted they had free will?)
To be sure, there'd be the Books. But even those I'd send down through men, so there'd always be doubt that the Books were really divine. In fact, I'd even allow men to tamper with the books - write their own for one religion, translate only selected documents for another, compile speeches from a schizophrenic from another - so nobody'd know which words were Mines and which were men's. (The experiment would be to see if the creatures still viewed these Books as divine or if they'd use the common sense I'd also give them.)
There's also the matter of My temper. That's the main reason I don't think I'd be a good God. I figure, if I'm omnipotent but still need to create creatures to worship Me, I'd have to be really, really egotistical. That's why I need to refer to myself in capital letters, you see. So I can see Myself getting very irritated with My creatures. Suppose, for example, they started worshipping idols instead of Me? I think I'd get damn vexed, don't mind that I didn't provide any real evidence of My existence.
I might even send a Flood to drown every man, woman, child, dog, cat and mango tree that didn't worship Me. I mean, I brought them into this world and I can damn well take them out! And, even if I send the Books as a test, if they didn't obey them I think I'd get vexed at that, too. After all, if they decide that the Book has My word, then disobedience is just plain discourteous. I think I'd be obliged to strike down those who fornicated, or touched someone of a higher caste, or went out without a head scarf or beard or, worst of all, who didn't believe in Me. I mean, I'd be God - I deserve respect, obeisance, obedience and plain old-fashioned worship.
Anyway, that's how I'd be if I were God, and that's why I don't want to be God. And yet, looking back at what I've written, a terrifying thought only now occurs to me: maybe I already am!
Copyright ©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh