June 30 2000, 840 words
If it exists, Heaven has to be a most peculiar place. Religions may disagree on the exact nature of Heaven, but they all conceive it to be a place of perfect bliss. Thing is, different things make different people blissful. And, if our souls can experience perfect bliss, then it must be that our souls are different in desires and needs from our selves. (Either that, or souls can have consecutive orgasms lasting for centuries.)
But if our souls are that different, then what goes to Heaven isn't really our selves. It seems to me, therefore, that there must be different Heavens for different groups of people - indeed, maybe even a different Heaven for each individual. So in today's column, I pose this interesting philosophical question: what would Heaven be like for certain Christians, Hindus, and Muslims?
Extremely Catholic Heaven: In the Catholic heaven, Mass is held throughout eternity in cathedrals made of solid gold (except for the windows, which are made of diamonds). Every Mass is presided over by a Pope and the ushers are all archbishops. Each worshipper has a personal armchair with a vibrating massager. There are velvet cushions to kneel on. The sacramental wine is imported from the best French vineyards and the wafer is topped with caviar.
But Catholic Heaven is heavenly mainly because of what there is not. There is no abortion, or women being maimed or killed from unsafe abortions. There is no divorce. Best of all, there are no condoms.
The reason for this perfect state of affairs is that, in Catholic Heaven, there is no sex. This is because there are no women (except, of course, for Mary). Since Jesus chose only men for his disciples, this means on Earth women could not become priests. Since a priest is the Catholic God's highest representative on Earth, obviously women cannot be allowed into Heaven. There are only sexless souls.
As a result, the Catholic Heaven is a most blissful place. Everyone spends all of eternity praising God, Jesus Christ and the Virgin Mary, and nobody remembers what great sex was like.
Maha Sabha Heaven: In the Maha Sabha Heaven, everyone lives by the Ganges river in mansions painted white, with pillars carved in the likeness of Hanuman, and ornate iron gates painted orange, yellow and blue. Everyone wears kurtas and saris, and is proud about it.
Pujas are done every day, and yagnas every night. There is no shortage of curry potato, chataigne, dhal, roti or rice. Potbellies are considered attractive. All the women in the Maha Sabha Heaven are obedient, demure, good cooks, and married by 14 years of age.
What makes the Maha Sabha Heaven truly heavenly, however, is that there are no Black people there. Literally. Every soul is a Brahmin and fair-skinned. There are also no Creoles. Literally. There are no Indo-Trinidadians in the Maha Sabha Heaven. Everybody there is Indian, or believe themselves to be Indian (and, to ensure eternal bliss, this Heaven has no one to point out otherwise).
There are lower-caste people in the Maha Sabha Heaven, but these aren't really souls. They are there only because a Brahmin can be blissful only if he has people to feel superior to.
Televangelist Heaven: This is the only Christian Heaven with non-Christians in it.
Services are held every hour and each service lasts an hour and the law of Televangelist Heaven forces every soul to attend. Every service is broadcast on television, and television has nothing but Evangelical Christian channels. Each church is built like a old-time cinema, with a stage and the seating divided into balcony, house and pit. Each church is fully air-conditioned. Everyone speaks with a pseudo-American accent. Every pastor wear a Rolex.
In every service, the lame are healed, as are the blind and deaf. There are always heathens in the audience, ranging from Hindus to atheists to Catholics, and each of these sinners is born again in each service.
This is why the Televangelist Heaven is the only Christian Heaven with non-Christians in it: no evangelist can be truly blissful unless they are converting people. Also, the collection plates are always filled with $100 bills.
Fundamentalist Muslim Heaven: Everyone in this Heaven lives at Mecca. Everyone can speak and read Arabic. Prayers are held five times a day, just like on Earth, but in the Fundamentalist Muslim Heaven a day lasts for several thousand earth years. The Ayatollah Khomeini presides.
Here, there are exactly four women to every one man. Every man is rich and virile. He can therefore not only afford four wives but, unlike on Earth, can handle them too. Girls are married off as soon as they begin menstruating. All the women are obedient, demure and good cooks.
Aside from that, this Heaven has no alcohol or music or books or films or anything that gave pleasure on Earth. This is what makes the Fundamentalist Muslim Heaven truly blissful.
Copyright ©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh