15 December 2000, 912 words
Almighty God-
We thank thee, Lord, for sparing lives at the Real Unity Concert, even though these patrons lied and said they weren't going to jump up. Thy grace is infinite, and we are eternally grateful for thy mercy in ensuring that no one died leading to massive lawsuits and an official inquiry. We especially thank thee, Almighty God, for allowing us to continue the show so that we did not have to pay refunds to 18,000 people.
Almighty God-
We thank thee, dear God, for giving us twins. Thy great power is shown in thy so conjoining them that only one will live if the doctors separate them, and both will die if they do not. Thank you, Lord, for showing man that his science pales in comparison to thy almighty might. We understand that these children are thy way of testing our faith. Thy trust in us shall not be disappointed, O Lord, and, like thy faithful Job, we shall remain strong in thee.
Almighty God-
Thank you, Lord, for sparing my unborn child's life and giving me only a sprained back when the stand at the Real Unity concert collapsed. Thanks to thee for ensuring that the accident did not cause a premature birth, for had that occurred I could not have gone to Poison's band launching the following week. The accident has strengthened my faith in thee, O Lord, for I now see that thou watcheth over little children with thy Divine Eye. I pray to thee that my child is born healthy and that I get a babysitter for Carnival Monday and Tuesday.
Almighty God-
I thank thee for the many blessings thou hast bestowed upon me. Thank you for the ten million dollars to build my church, the better to worship thee, O Lord. Thank you for thy divine revelation that me and the Attorney General use the same brand of hair dye. I pray to thee to give him strength to continue executing those evil murderers and drug dealers. Thank you for inspiring me to build a school so we can teach children of your truth, O Lord, and ensure they do not learn of demonic things like evolution and safe sex.
Almighty God-
I thank thee, Lord, for my broken leg at the Real Unity Concert. I see thy great purpose, O Lord, in allowing the disaster. Thy infinite mercy was shown, O God, by thy not breaking my neck as well. I thank you for my sprained back and for not paralyzing me as thou could so easily have done.Bless the scaffold builders for doing such a bad job and bless the fire officers who inspected said scaffold. Thank you, O Lord, for showing man that his puny structures cannot withstand thy vengeful might.
Almighty God-
We thank thee for displaying thy wondrous bounty by sending heavy rains for the past few days. We thank you for reminding man of the Flood which you used to kill all sinners save Noah and his righteous family. Thank you, O Lord, for these waters which have killed crops and livestock and caused thousands of dollars of property damage, thus teaching people not to value material things so much. We especially thank you for visiting these travails upon non-Christians, that they may be persauded to come to thy church that their souls might be saved by giving away their goods.
Almighty God-
We thank thee for causing the stand to collapse at the Real Unity concert, thus for allowing people a chance to help their neighbour, thus redeeming their immortal souls. Thou wondrous might was displayed when thou struck this blow against Mammon by striking down only the rich people. Thy infinite mercy was shown by thou only breaking some of their bones. Thy marvelous generosity was shown by allowing Machel to continue the show so that we $80 patrons were not deprived. Thank you, O Lord, for so amply displaying all those qualities so that our faith in thee might grow ever stronger.
Almighty God-
Thank you for helping me pass my exams. Thy infinite power is shown by the fact that, even though you have to run the entire universe, you still had time to answer my prayers for a scholarship.Thank you, too, for helping my brother win a gold medal at the recent track meet. Were it not for his faith in thee, he could never have run so fast. Truly, thou art a caring and powerful God.
Almighty God-
My faith in thee has been strengthened by the disaster you visited upon me. I thank thee for making the stand collapse so that people could help one another. I thank thee for ensuring no one was killed so I could still continue my concert. I thank thee for helping show the powers-that-be that great international artists like me need a proper theatre to perform in.
I thank thee especially, O Lord, for allowing me to display my faith in thee in public through this disaster. Thou hast given me much - talent, looks, loving parents, and beautiful children whose mothers don't harass me to marry them. I thank thee, O Lord, for all thy bounty and pray that you shall give me ever more success so that my gifts and my faith shall help turn more people to thee.
Copyright ©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh