22 September 2000, 836 words
The recent declaration by the Vatican that all other religions are inferior has, naturally, ruffled some feathers. But, since all religions are based on faith and since faith is completely subjective, how can you prove one religion is better than another? It seems impossible. In considering this question in my usual deep and thoughtful manner, however, a possible solution presented itself. Why not view all religions as tourist destinations and see which one is the most attractive? So, as soon as I flushed and washed my hands, I hurried to my computer.
Hinduism: Come to beautiful Hinduism, a religion of perfect bliss and harmony. The oldest surviving religion in the world, Hinduism brings you closer to God than any other religion. Ours was the first, so it must be the truest.
Men will especially enjoy our religion, for the Bhagavadgita says women are of inferior birth. We can even arrange for your wife to be burned on your grave after you die or, if you think this too extreme, ensure that she will never have sex again.
Women will especially enjoy Hinduism, for we are the only major religion where goddesses are worshipped. Women can identify with Mother Lakshmi, beautiful and serene and fertile, or with Kali, goddess of death, if they are the more quarrelsome kind of female.
Our religion caters to everyone. We have many pundits and gurus and swamis to teach you how to become one with the Godhead, at very reasonable prices. You also get to wear colourful clothes and put painted dots on your forehead. Moreover, if you don't become one with God in this life, you get to try again. No other religion offers this. Hinduism - it's the real thing.
Islam: Do you feel afraid and insecure? Do other people not respect you? Is shaving a chore you would rather do without? Then Islam has the answers for you.
Islam is the world's newest major religion, because the Prophet Muhammad was God's last and therefore wisest messenger. Muslims form a world-wide brotherhood which ensures that you are an important and respected person everywhere. Other people fear us because our imams teach that if you kill Salman Rushdie or any other person who insults Islam, you will go straight to Paradise and enjoy eternal bliss.
Here on Earth, however, a Muslim man can still have a taste of Paradise. Muslim men are allowed to have up to four wives and still be respectable. Moreover, no other religion has wives so obedient and demure, because the Holy Qu'ran is the only Holy Book which actually tells men to beat their wife if she even plans to be disobedient.
Muslim women enjoy greater privileges under Islam than any other religion, for they have to cover their faces and bodies totally. Thus, ugly women with bad shapes do not suffer any disadvantage under Islam.
Islam also ensures that both men and women enjoy better health than any other religion. Muslims do not drink alcohol or smoke tobacco or eat meat which is not blessed. Moreover, we sing all our chants in the original Arabic, which clears out the sinuses wonderfully.
So if you thirst for truth, faith and the freedom to grow face and body hair, come to Islam. Here, image is nothing. Obey your thirst.
Pentecostalism: Do you have doubts? Do you stay awake at nights wondering what life is about and why you're here? Do you want a sense of purpose at an affordable rate? Then Pentecostalism is the religion for you!
We offer answers to every question that plagues you, plus fully air-conditioned churches! No longer will life hold any mysteries for you or yours (special discounts offered for every family member you bring with you)! We tell you why you were born, what your purpose here on Earth is, and what will happen to you after you die! No longer will you have to think about anything at all!
And, as an extra special bonus, we tape our sermons and broadcast them on TV! Yes! That's right! Just by attending our fully air-conditioned churches regularly, you can see yourself on TV!!! All this and more for just one-tenth of your gross income! (VAT not inclusive)
Roman Catholicism: We are the oldest Christian Church. We therefore know the true Christian truth. We have our own city. We have the most magnificent cathedrals. Our priests have the most expensive robes and wonderful singing voices.
If you sin, we have confession so you can feel better. No other church offers this or, if they do, not in such comfortable booths. We have nice statues, many of which have been visited by the Virgin Mary. We have soft cushions for you to kneel on during Mass. Our wafers are served fresh with a sturdy-legged red wine. We also condemn condoms.
Come to the Catholic Church for a truly superior experience. You've tried the rest. Now try the best.
Copyright ©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh