02 August 2001, 801 words
Dear Jehovah-My pastor recently got his PhD and opened a secondary school. But Ecclesiastes 1:18 clearly states, "He that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow". Isn't it wrong to increase sorrow, especially with acne cream so expensive nowadays? If You plan to send a plague of locusts, frogs or any other fauna to the church, please give me a sign so I'll know to be in bed with the flu on that day.
Thy faithful servant,
W. Cuffie
Dear Allah-
My Muslim brothers recently published an ad in the Express saying that homosexuality is "unnatural, evil and sinful". The ad also pointed out that "the principles of true religion stay the same" no matter how the world's values change. In this regard, my wife last week refused to make me a cheese-and-onion sandwich when I told her to. As instructed in the Holy Qu'ran (4:34), I warned her and then beat her. The police then came and arrested me. I beseech You to stone these officers to death, as You did with the homos in Sura 7, verses 80-1. I am sure these policemen were all homosexual, too, or else I would not have been jailed for obeying Your divine word.
Obediently yrs.,
A. Bakr
Dear Bhagavan-
I am a Brahmin. Recently, a lower-caste man, a sudra, sprained my fingers when I slapped him for sitting at the brahmins' table at a puja. The Law of Manu states clearly that when a sudra injures a Brahmin, the sudra must have a hot dagger placed in his mouth. The man, although he claims to be a devout Hindu, refuses to take his just punishment. Instead, he has brought assault charges against me under this Western legal system which has society in such disarray. Please reincarnate him as a cockroach so I can spray him with Bop.
Devotedly yrs.,
S. Maharaj
Dear Lord-
I am writing to beg Thy forgiveness. Recently, I fornicated. I regret it terribly now. I blame society for promoting condom use, which encouraged me to have sex outside marriage. However, I did follow the Church's teaching and not use a condom. I beseech Thee, O Lord, for Thy protection, which art better than any condom.
Thy humble servant,
C. Bartholomew
Dear Baba-
I recently met a man who claimed to be channeling your power. He was able to materialise ash, rocks, watches, necklaces and a small dog which could bark the tune of "Tie a Yellow Ribbon". This man even had a long-sleeved orange robe and really big hair. It turned out, however, that he was nothing but a common conjurer, like David Copperfield. I now see, Baba, that you perform your miraculous feats through spiritual powers, while lesser men have to use sleight-of-hand and curl activator. Thank you for teaching me this invaluable lesson.
Prayerfully yrs.,
A. Chattergoon
Dear Allah-
The recent mapping of the human genome has increased people's faith in science and evolution, thus placing their souls in great danger of Hell. Biologists tell us that humans are made of up of genes, which are made of proteins. Knowing the Qu'ran contains all knowledge, I looked to Your divine word to find the real Truth. In Sura 96, verses 1-2, You say we were made from a clot of blood. In 21:30, You say it was water. In 3:59, 30:20 and 35:11 You say it was dust, then in 19:67 You say it was nothing. So which is it? Please let me know what I was really made from so I can persuade all these biologists to stop spreading their lies about DNA.
Worshipfully yrs.,
P. Muhammad
Dear Bhagavan-
The Bhagavad Gita clearly states, "The four divisions of human society [brahmins, kshatriyas, vaishayas, sudras] are created by me" and "It is better to engage in one's own occupation, even though one may perform it imperfectly, than to accept another's occupation and perform it perfectly."
However, so-called Indians like Kevin Baldeosingh persist in presenting themselves as intellectuals, although this role is clearly reserved for brahmins and kshatriyas. Baldeosingh, with his brown skin and naturally curly hair, is obviously neither.
In the Laws of Manu, you also say quite clearly, "A sudra may be forced to do servile work for he was created by Bhagavan to be the slave of a brahmin." I have therefore sent 357 e-mails to Baldeosingh ordering him to cease and desist. Out of the goodness of my heart, I have even offered him a job cutting my lawn! In clear defiance of Your divine laws, he has neither responded nor obeyed. Should I charge him under the Equal Opportunities Act or threaten to put Rajnie in a Lotto ad?
Yr. sincere servant,
D. P. Maharaj
Copyright©2001 Kevin Baldeosingh