26 July 2003, 874 words
Last week, I used the list of 20 questions from the Woman supplement in the Sunday Express to make up responses from our political leaders (Patrick Manning, Basdeo Panday, Abu Bakr). Today, I use the same approach for our religious spokesmen. Again, I have made up the answers instead of actually asking the named leaders, since I think my invention would probably be more truthful than their actual responses.
1. Your greatest joy?
Maulana Sadiq Nasir: Fasting.
Sat Maharaj: Getting Devant to kiss my foot.
Fr. Ian Taylor: Preventing people from having any joy.
Pastor Winston Cuffie: Praising the Lord and passing the collection bucket.
2. Your secret fear?
Nasir: Homosexuals. Especially when I'm prostrating myself to Allah.
Sat: A dougla grandchild.
Taylor: That I might be joyful myself.
Cuffie: Running out of jheri-curl.
3. The best advice you ever received and from whom?
Nasir: "Blame the Jews." Louis Farrakhan.
Sat: "Talk loud and carry a gun." My father, Bhadase.
Taylor: "Suffering brings you closer to the Lord, so wear tight underwear." My sergeant in the cadets.
Cuffie: "People will pay to believe." God Himself.
4. Your most embarrassing moment?
Nasir: I am embarrassed every time I see a Muslim woman's ankle.
Sat: When I found out that humans originated in Africa. Not that I believe it.
Taylor: When I smiled once in church and a parishioner saw me.
Cuffie: I once called the Jesus' name and used only two syllables.
5. Your happiest moment?
Nasir: When I finally got that hawking sound in Arabic right.
Sat: When India tested its nuclear bombs.
Taylor: I have never had a happy moment.
Cuffie: When I found out PhDs could be paid, instead of earned.
6. The biggest turn on in a woman?
Nasir: Not objecting to be being stoned to death when she's committed adultery.
Sat: Posing in my Bomb newspaper.
Taylor: I have never been turned on by a woman.
Cuffie: Faith in the Bible, especially the part about obeying men.
7. The biggest turn off?
Nasir: Claiming equality with men.
Sat: Not being Indian.
Taylor: Femaleness.
Cuffie: Booboos.
8. The part of your body you like most?
Nasir: The torso. It's so convenient for strapping on bombs. Not that you should use bombs, of course.
Sat: My tongue, which raises passions when passions don't raise other body parts.
Taylor: My sphincter, which is very efficient.
Cuffie: My superbly groomed moustache and beard.
9. The body part you would change if given the chance?
Nasir: The clitoris. Luckily, my brother Muslims in Africa take care of this.
Sat: The dark circles under my eyes &endash; in fact, all dark skin.
Taylor: Every one &endash; all body parts are sinful.
Cuffie: My arms, which I wish were longer so I could reach the Lord more easily.
10. The best book you ever read?
Nasir: Blame the Jews: They Did It, Anyway.
Sat: Why Hindus are Best at Everything.
Taylor: The Joy of Vex.
Cuffie: Bible Wealth and How to Get It.
11. On a second chance, what would be your dream profession?
Nasir: Afghan warlord.
Sat: The Pillsbury Doughboy.
Taylor: A wet blanket.
Cuffie: Store mannequin.
12. The thing most people do not know about you?
Nasir: What I look like. It lessens the chances of assassination.
Sat: I didn't always have jowls.
Taylor: I use botuxin to prevent involuntary grinning.
Cuffie: I copied my hairstyle from Angela Davis.
13. Your pet peeve?
Nasir: People who don't worship Allah.
Sat: People who don't admit that Hindu Indians are superior.
Taylor: People who think life is fun.
Cuffie: People who think Jesus would not have worn a Rolex.
14. Your favourite food?
Nasir: Anything halal, including revenge eaten cold.
Sat: Curry KFC.
Taylor: Bitter ashes.
Cuffie: Whatever the Lord puts on my table, including caviar and roast pheasant.
15. The woman you most admire, apart from your mother/spouse?
Nasir: I admire women who blow themselves up for Allah. Not that it's right, of course.
Sat: I admire all Indian women whose families give large dowries.
Taylor: There are no admirable women.
Cuffie: I admire all women who come to my church and give generously.
16. Your secret personality weapon?
Nasir: Militant rhetoric. Not that actual militancy is right, of course.
Sat: Racial appeal.
Taylor: A clenched jaw.
Cuffie: White cowboy boots.
17. Your personal credo?
Nasir: "Islam is a peaceful religion, unless you have to fight for it".
Sat: "Indian pride makes money".
Taylor: "Life is short and then we die and burn in Hell forever".
Cuffie: "Saving souls needs savings accounts".
18. Your irresistible temptation?
Nasir: Worshipping Allah in a high, wailing voice.
Sat: Making racial statements.
Taylor: I can resist all temptations, including chocolate.
Cuffie: To serve the Lord, especially in a $10 million church.
19. The one place you'd like to visit?
Nasir: The site of 9/11, to worship Allah. Not that 9/11 was right, of course.
Sat: I've been to India, I don't need to go anywhere else.
Taylor: Hell, to laugh at all those fun-loving people who didn't listen to me.
Cuffie: Graceland.
20. Your most elusive goal?
Nasir: An Islamic State in the Caribbean.
Sat: Changing the national anthem to Hindi.
Taylor: Not grinding my teeth.
Cuffie: Omnipotence, but I pray daily.
Copyright ©2003 Kevin Baldeosingh