02 July 1999, 804 words
I have a fascination with knives. I also love fried chicken. But, if you were to put a knife in one hand and a live chicken in the next, there's no way I could cut its throat. It's a moral deficiency. In fact, I once met a girl named Feather who wanted me to pluck her eyebrows, and I refused outright. (All right, that's a lie: I'd never refuse to pluck a girl named Feather; or rise with a girl named Dawn; or, for that matter, crew with a girl named Boom-Boom.)
It's the blood, you see. I don't like the colour red. To me, red represents a lack of intelligence, integrity and competence, perhaps because I've always seen such people talking in that colour building on Fridays. I don't even own any red clothes, which means I could never be a trade union leader and drive an expensive car and own a luxurious house. I even hate stop signs - they seem so negative.
It would therefore be impossible for me to murder anyone, unless they were intent on spilling my blood. I would hate to see anyone's blood, but I'd hate seeing my own even more. But, apart from that, I have no desire to kill anyone or see anyone killed. Mind you, there are a couple of individuals, like Sat Maharaj and Morgan Job, whom I think would greatly improve the world if they would just choke on a chicken bone. But that's just my gut talking and, if you listen to your gut, all you'll hear is wind. However much I may wish for these persons to have an apoplectic fit and die, my mind tells me that as long as they are alive I will always be seen as intelligent, enlightened, and incredibly handsome. You must always look at the bright side is my philosophy.
Mind you, I don't think I would have this enlightened attitude were it not for my naturally curly hair. It cannot be coincidental, I think, that there is no prisoner on Death Row with naturally curly hair. You see, when you have naturally curly hair, you have no reason to envy anyone else. Whatever other advantages they might have, they don't have that.
Of course, one naturally gets outraged at those people with permed or S-curled hair who pass themselves off as naturally blessed. Worse yet when other people cannot see the difference. I myself have suffered considerably, being of East Indian descent. People are always astonished at my tightly-curled locks. A few have even accused me of having a perm, and it was only my immense self-control which prevented me from beating them to death. However, such people are in the minority since, when people see me in jeans, they usually assume that I'm dougla. Not being Rajnie Ramlakhan, this assumption does not drive me into a homicidal rage.
But let me assure you that I am very capable of homicidal rages. However, because I am a writer, it is so much more satisfying to outrage those who enrage me. On the other hand, if I were an illiterate, unemployed, non-curly-haired youth, I would definitely be vexed that Brian Kuei Tung has more girlfriends than me. In fact, I get vexed anyway. But I have no desire to kill Mr. Kuei Tung, for he is Chinese and so cannot have a curly-haired gene in his body. To me, he is therefore more to be pitied than censured.
Lately, though, I have begun wondering if curly hair is really enough. I mean, with the mixed population at 20 percent and growing, you'd think that violent crime would have started to decrease by now. But it isn't happening. So, because I am the sort of person who is always willing to revise his opinion if confronted with new evidence, I've been thinking. Maybe in order to show young people that crime, especially murder, is wrong, one has to look at other factors. Maybe since all countries with a high crime rate have a very wide gap between rich and poor, that could be a causative factor. Or maybe since most criminals are illiterate, improved education might be a key issue in fighting crime. And maybe because most criminals come from a poor background, reducing poverty might also reduce crime.
But nah. To say all that is to say that it is poverty, ignorance and oppression which really creates criminals. And how you going to battle that? No, I think what our society needs are simpler but more effective measures. So, instead of spending millions of dollars to hang people, Attorney-General Ramesh Lawrence Maharaj should immediately pass a law requiring all people with naturally curly hair to marry people with dimples. After all, it worked for me.
Copyright ©1999 Kevin Baldeosingh