A Trini Entrepreneur's Guide

29 September 2000, 805 words

I wouldn't mind being rich. Mind you, my idea of riches is probably quite different from, say, Ishwar Galbaransingh's. If I one day found myself with a nice house, a new car and US $1 million in the bank, I would consider myself wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice. Ish's dreams, obviously, have no such limit.

Having made a close study of what it takes to become a local entrepreneur, though, I realize that I am never likely to be a wealthy man, even by my non-Ish standards. Still, my observations may prove useful to those with greater ambitions.

1. Dress Code
   1. The aspiring entrepreneur should wear three-piece suits, preferably in dark-blue or gray. You should also have a neat haircut and be clean-shaven. You can have a moustache, but make sure it is well-trimmed and does not hang over your top lip. The only beard allowed is a goatee, and that is advisable only if your business venture depends on your looking as though you are an expert in something.

      Bear in mind that you don't actually have to be an expert in anything. This is because, in Trinidad and Tobago, appearance is more important than ability.

   2. There are certain acceptable variations to this basic code. If you wish to make your millions marketing miracles, you should still wear the three-piece suit, but in flourescent-green or sky-blue or Breeze-white. You must also wear matching cowboy boots.
      
      
   3. However, the above dress code applies only to Christian evangelists. If you wish to pose as a holy man in the Muslim religion, it is better to wear a white gown. You should also speak as though you get kicked in the testicles five times a day.
      
      
2. Methodology:
   1. The local entrepreneur can make his fortune through hard work, talent and intelligence. But not usually. It is much easier to sell marijuana and cocaine. As long as these drugs remain illegal, and as long as our police officers remain skilled mostly at shooting innocent people, your chances of business success are excellent.
      
      
   2. It is, however, advisable to channel your funds into legitimate channels after you make your first million. This is because, inefficient as police officers are at catching bandits, they are almost totally hopeless at snatching white-collar criminals. If you are not only white-collar but also white-complexioned, you can steal hundreds of thousands of dollars from customers, or even commit murder, and still leave the country scot-free.
      
      
   3. You may, however, prefer to stay in Trinidad and Tobago. If so, you must employ the most effective business strategy in the local economy: licking. This takes various forms: boot, toe and, for the anatomically ignorant, elbow.
      
      A competent licker can often get a job as a URP supervizor, which provides excellent professional opportunities to sell materials, get bribes, and pad pay sheets. A really good licker can easily land a job on a State board, with significant opportunities to give yourself consultancies, hire your girlfriends, and pad your expense account. And a truly skilled licker can win a job as a Government Minister, with enormous opportunities to sell contracts, get kickbacks, and give yourself 50 percent salary increases.
      
      
   4. You may, however, wish to be the lickee rather than the licker. In this case, the religious route makes better financial sense. The methodology here is quite simple. Claim to talk to God and heal people. You can be reasonably certain that about one-third of the people you heal will seem to get cured by the placebo effect, and you can be absolutely certain that other people will forget about the two-thirds who don't. In no time at all, you will have enough money to build a $10 million dollar, fully air-conditioned church.
      
      
   5. If, however, your worshippers are from the poorer classes and Colonel Gadaffi is only giving you guns instead of hard cash, you can also become a multi-millionaire by trying to overthrow the government, getting an amnesty, getting stupid judges, having your lawyer become Attorney-General, and having the government not pursue counter-claims against you.
      
      This entrepreneurial method may seem complex, difficult and unlikely to succeed. And so it would be, in any country save Trinidad.

Code of Ethics

The code of ethics for the local entrepreneur is simpler than that of any other profession: have none. In Trinidad and Tobago, this is the true basis for success in business, politics, and religion - especially since, nowadays, there is little difference between any of them.

The Trini entrepreneur's guide can therefore be summed up in the following credo: be ignorant, for you never know when you might have to kill an environmentalist; be illiterate, for you never know when you might have to spread the Word of God; and be illegal, for you never know when you might have to pave a Savannah.  

Copyright ©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh