May 26 2000, 799 words
(Author's note: This column was censored by the Independent editor and is published here for the first time.)
The word "Hindutva" has two meanings. The first is "A society based on Hindu principles"; the second is "a society based on really good cloth."
Only fundamentalist Hindus are interested in Hindutva, since ordinary Hindus have little interest in the swastika. The exact form Hindutva should take has been debated since time immemorial, though some rum-drinkers only started last Tuesday. Those who followed the Vaisesika school felt Hindutva's ideal form (which Plato instead called Ideal Form) should be a tetrahedron. But this assertion was rejected by followers of the Nyaya system, who said it was impossible to say "tetrahedron" without spitting. The Indian philosopher Sankara, however, said this was so only because the Nyaya system had too many people with lisps. In modern times, Sai Baba has argued that Hindutva has no form. This, of course, makes it difficult to choose the right dress size.
The goals of Hindutva are very simple. They are to establish a society where blasphemy, nudity and imitating a cow are punishable by death; to outlaw all colours except red, yellow, orange and florescent green; and to keep down the price of rum.
In order to create Hindutva in Trinidad, you must have fundamentalist Hindu leaders and a pack of Mogul playing cards. Hindutva meetings must be properly organized, or else the project is sure to fail and you will be out whatever money you spent on doubles with pepper. In 1970, Bhadase Sagan Maharaj attempted to establish Hindutva, but forgot to order the red Solo. Everyone left in a huff, and he was so upset he left home without a gun the next morning. (It was not until midday that he realized what had happened, and he had to hide in some bushes while one of his aides ran home to fetch a spare pistol.)
The success of Hindutva also depends on the kind of Hindus who will spearhead the movement. Most Hindus are not qualified, since a Hindutva campaign can only be run by fanatic, high-caste Hindus who are well supplied with coconut oil. Anyone with more than five hairs out of places is automatically ineligible for membership. Every member should be psychologically tested to ensure that they are paranoid, insecure, hypocritical and have sinus problems.
It is also desirable than the members not be desirable. No Hindu woman with sensual eyebrows, high cheekbones and a bright smile is allowed. No Hindu man with a good physique and/or real intelligence qualifies. This is because Hindutva can be established only if it carries moral authority, or plastic explosive.
Adhering to these criteria is, however, only the first step. Even more important is following the Hindutva action plan. This plan is as follows:
- Write historical facts which show the glory of ancient Hindu India, making up such facts where necessary. It is especially important than the timeline of Hinduism and Hindu civilization be doubled, so one can claim that India is the cradle of all human civilizations. Say that India discovered the atom and electricity long before Europe, and invented Velcro eons ago.
- If anyone points out errors of scholarship, make up more facts to contradict them. The principle here is similar to the one of throwing enough mud - some must stick.
- Label all critics as racists. If any of these critics are of Indian descent, say they (i) have lost their identity; (ii) are serving their Negro masters; (iii) are not true Indians.
- Blame Muslims for past ills, and Christians for present ones. If anyone criticizes Hinduism for its traditions of suttee (widow-burning) caste bias or child marriages, blame the Muslim conquerors. Expunge ahimsa (non-violence) from the Bhagavadgita. If the dhal burns, blame Muslims.
Apart from these four guidelines, a key strategy in establishing Hindutva is to promote the virtues of Hinduism. It is not necessary to adhere to these virtues as real Hindus do - you just have to promote them. Thus, you should talk continually about the Hindu respect for family and women, even if you have children by three different women or your leader publishes photos of half-naked women every week.
You should also emphasize the Hindu belief that all paths lead to God, but at the same time badtalk people who try to convert Hindus to other religions. Most of all, emphasize how Hindus are a peaceful people, but if anyone important criticizes the Hindu Prime Minister, send death threats. If they persist, fire-bomb their home and express regrets. If they can seriously embarrass the Prime Minister, kill them and express regrets.
Once these guidelines are followed, the success of Hindutva, either in its first sense of a Hindu nation, or its second sense of elegant saris, is assured.
Copyright ©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh