May 12 2000, 792 words
I do not normally do commercial work for free. I can't afford to: for half the time and effort I spend on this column, I could earn four times as much doing a commercial job. But, occasionally, my sense of social responsibility persuades me to do such work for free. This is the case with the fatal shooting of Michael Melville in Tobago, an event which may do great harm to the island's tourism industry. I have thought of a way by which Tidco can turn this stumbling-block into a stepping-stone. Some people may view my plan as unethical and immoral, but none of them are in senior positions at Tidco. Here, then, is the text for a brochure which targets a yet untapped tourist market in the metropolitan countries.
Welcome, homicidal visitors
Are you a serial killer? An occasional murderer? Have you ever had a natural impulse to garrote someone just to see what it feels like?
If you can say "Yes!" to any of the above questions, then Trinidad and Tobago is the place for you. A twin-island republic located at the southernmost tip of the Caribbean isles, we have lovely beaches, sunny weather, and a Police Service without a clue. And even when they get a clue, it is often eaten by rats.
Shopping
Although we have no gun stores, firearms can be easily purchased at several illegal gun shops in Morvant, Laventille or Maloney. You can get hire personal escorts among any of the youths at the Beetham Dump (which you will pass on your way from Piarco airport to your hotel) or your local policeman will be happy to direct for a small fee. Other weapons such as cutlasses, knives, ice-picks and rental cars are easily available.
Historical Information
In the past five years alone, persons have been murdered for being rude to a nightclub bouncer, for tending a piece of grass, for giving environmental advice, and even for walking on the road past a rich man's house. There was not one conviction for murder in any of these cases!
Local Customs
As a visitor to our fair island, you may be worried about being arbitrarily killed yourself. There is no need for concern. We are not savage, just selective. Stay out of lonely spots or homes guarded by pitbulls. Do not play cards with anyone named "Razor". Do not try to cross the road. Once you take these simple precautions, you are as safe as if you were a bribe given to a Minister for a Government contract. Ours is a stable democracy where you can buy a Ministerial post for a reasonable price, and bribe your way out of a murder conviction for even less.
Visitors should also note that in each dismissed murder case, the killers were wealthy and/or white and/or friends with police. Once you fulfill either or all of these criteria - and bear in mind that just being fair-skinned and straight-haired makes you white in the West Indies, that the exchange rate is US $1 to TT $6.30, and that a police officer will be your best friend for a quite reasonable price - you may murder with impunity!
However, we do strongly advise you to confine your victims to the following criteria: poor, black, female or any combination of same. This virtually ensures the police will not make much effort to solve the crime.
Year-Round Fun
Whether you are a serial killer or just wish to experience a good murder, your primary concern would no doubt be witnesses. You will be happy to know that there are easy solutions in the event anyone sees you as you shoot, kill or garrote your victim.
The best time to visit is between the months of December and March. This is our Carnival season, and from December there are big parties (called "fetes" locally) where thousands of people get together to dance, drink and, in the case of youth gangs, fight. It is very easy to place yourself near one of these gangs and, as soon as an altercation occurs, knife or shoot someone. Even if police officers are nearby, they will almost certainly ignore any white person. (If you are not white, do not wear silk shirts, gold chains or rat-tail hairstyles - this will help prevent you being a suspect.)
If you cannot visit our fair island between December and March, there are several dub concerts during July and August where the same situation applies.
Hope To See You
So come to Trinidad and Tobago for a unique and exciting vacation. We guarantee you will not be disappointed or convicted!
Copyright ©2000 Kevin Baldeosingh